Broken Dreams

I used to think this would be the best year of my life. I was tired of the individualism of American living and the isolation of suburbs. I'd heard I was coming to a place of community and I looked so forward to sharing ups and downs with other Christians here. I anticipated meals together and worship together, praying for each other and many joys.

Instead, I've wept more tears than I can ever remember shedding in a 3-month time span.

This is no community.

This is a place where my heart gets broken on a regular basis; where my baby does not get held; where my family gets ignored at every single meal while others eat together, even Christmas dinner; where others worship or do fun outings together and leave us out. This is a place where no one visited me in the hospital, even though I was completely alone and surrounded by non-English speakers. This is a place where I can cry and no one cares; where I can call out for help and the only one who answers is an ocean away; where the only people who pray with or for me are tourists I meet in passing.

This is one of the loneliest places on the planet.

When I'm Gone...

How can I have birthed five such amazing children? I look at each of you and am filled with wonder. You are beautiful people, inside and out. And I also look at you and weep for how much I've hurt you and been a poor example for you. So when I'm gone please know that...

I loved you so much it hurts;

I'm sorry I struggled to find joy;

I wish I'd given you more opportunities;

Everyday I questioned myself, as a mom and as a person. I hope it's different for you;

Doubt is hard;

I'm sorry I couldn't seem to model good relationships for you. I sucked at marriage and wasn't much better at friendship;

I wish my ears hadn't been so sensitive. Sorry I complained so much about noise, and couldn't often have music going;

I didn't encourage you nearly enough. I'll forever regret that I didn't affirm you more;

As much as I struggled with life and joy, I was ever so grateful to be your mom. You are treasures beyond measure.