Sunday, February 1, 2009

The Ugly

Well, I’ve been happy for a while, and especially in blogs and facebook, trying to keep a stiff upper lip. But I’ve hit a low again. Today I just want to buy a plane ticket “home” and leave England for good. Can I whine a little here? You don’t have to continue reading if you don’t like the good, the bad and the ugly!

It’s cold – not as cold as in Illinois and Virginia, but it feels colder. My house is terribly insulated and I never feel comfortably warm in it unless I’m doing physical labor (or with Steve under a comforter, with a hot water bottle at my feet!). I’m also cold most days when I have to go outside to walk or cycle to work, the grocery store, the library, a friend’s house, church, etc. I’m tired of winter, of cold, of not having a car to warm up in and central heating to keep us cozy at home.

I’m also tired of living in cramped spaces with lively and noisy kids who bounce all over the furniture because they have no yard and no jungle gym. My home here is probably not any (or much) smaller than my apartment had been in Virginia. But it has no front porch or expansive yard of grass for the kids to safely romp in. And the rooms are all divided from each other, shut off with doors, so it has a more cramped feeling.

I had expected small because I thought everyone had small in the U.K. I’ve discovered otherwise. All the privately owned homes I’ve visited have been remodeled with extensions and feel just that much bigger. My friends are always amazed when they come over and see the space I have to cope in. To know that my English friends think my home is small makes me think: hmmm, yes, maybe my home is SMALL!

And then I’m tired of a myriad of other things … Naomi’s whining and crying (about walking too far, or getting hurt, or her brothers bugging her....); the kids fighting; worrying about money and future plans; such an irregular schedule that I feel like I can’t get into a routine of school and cooking; hearing people tell me I should put my kids in school; Naomi’s debilitating shyness; Naomi’s latest hearing difficulties and illness; not having a dryer; doing my shopping in frequent small bits (because of being on foot); having a messy home (mostly my own fault), etc.

I know it’s all relative. I have a lot compared to most of the world. I am wealthy by their standards and have a safe home that fits us. I know this all in my head. That’s probably why I try to focus on the good and be thankful. God has blessed me in countless ways. But today I’m down. Today I’m fed up and don’t want to be cheerful. Like I said: the good, the bad and the ugly. Sorry to give you the ugly!!

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