"Do you think you're at risk of hurting yourself if you go home today?" my midwife asked.
"No, I'm too weak. Even when I want to give up, I'm too scared and weak to actually do anything about it."
"That's not weak. That's brave. It's brave to everyday keep facing a life that's giving you pain. It's brave to not give up," she answered, and of course I started crying.
I don't feel brave. I don't feel anything good. I feel like I'm trapped in anger and despair. Not about life in general, but regarding a certain relationship. And then that colors everything else, and at times, I do despair about life in general.
I don't know what's going to happen next. Maybe I should have listened to my midwife and let her send me right to a hospital. I felt like that was too drastic. But now that I'm home and trying to find someone to help me, I face the discouragement of slogging through lists and making phone calls that come to nothing. Anyway I feel so messed up that I don't know how anyone could make something good out of my broken pieces. In my head, I know it's possible, but in my heart, I don't believe it for a second.

Life in Numbers

1 - baby in my womb, kicking and hiccuping, preparing to come this summer
     - minivan that meets all our family's transportation needs, both locally and over long distances, including New Orleans, Georgia, Boston and the Maritimes

2 - years of Steve's PhD program completed
     - pet guinea pigs, named Ginger and Pepper, who provide many cuddles and squeaks

3 - years we've lived in our current townhouse
     - years we've been part of Capital Baptist Homeschool Co-op
     - kids in the house, bringing lots of joy and noise
     - years left in Steve's PhD program!

4 - years we've lived in metro D.C.
     - years until Naomi graduates from high school
     - years we've been part of IBCHE, a local homeschool support group

5 - years since we left Jordan
     - years since the kids and I took our last international flight

To My Unborn Baby...

I am 30 weeks pregnant today -- 3/4 of the way to 'due date.' Little one, it has been a long time since I've had a baby in the house! When you arrive, your siblings will be 14, 12 1/2, and 9 1/2!! I didn't ever think we'd have such a big gap between children, but I also wasn't sure we'd ever get to have a fourth, and now you're here!

I haven't seen your eyes yet, or felt your soft skin, but we've seen you move (cross your little legs, wave, kick and twist) by watching you on two ultrasounds, and not an hour goes by each day when I don't feel your presence. You likely weigh over two pounds now, and your kicks, punches and somersaults are surprisingly frequent and strong. Sometimes I think you don't want me to forget you're there, snuggled safe and cozy in my womb. Don't worry! I can't forget you.

I must admit to being more than a little scared about how life will change come your arrival this summer -- about the lack of sleep, about the changes in my body, about the increased complications to simple things like leaving the house, about how my time will further be divided between caring for my 'big kids' and caring for you. But more than any of those, I'm thrilled at the chance to meet you, to learn who you are, to see you grow and develop, to welcome you into our family. We already talk about you and pray for you. Your older brothers and sister are so excited about your arrival. Josiah and Ethan especially have been longing for a younger sibling for a couple years now!

I pray with all my being that from the moment of your birth, you feel loved and protected and cherished. You are a precious gift to our family and to the world, and we anxiously await the day we meet you! Love, Mommy

Roller Coasters & Tender Hearts -- Sequel to "Crying for Ethan"

I am a roller coaster fan. That should really be "Fan" with a capital F. As long as I can remember being tall enough to go on the fast rides at Disneyland (Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain and Matterhorn), I've passionately loved roller coasters.

Sadly, the Six Flags in driving distance from us (Six Flags America) is not what I'd consider an exemplary theme park, nor does it have great coasters. When we first moved to the DC area 4 years ago, we lived only 20 minutes from the park and gratefully received season passes from family. But after trying all the rides once, I discovered only one roller coaster that I really liked. The rest were quite jerky and left me either with a headache or just disillusioned. So I'd reconciled myself to only riding Superman and then enjoying the smaller rides that my kids liked, as well as the waterslides (which Six Flags America does do pretty well).

We're now farther away and only go once a summer (quite cheaply thanks to two different reading programs). Yesterday was our trip for 2015 and it was a milestone in a couple ways. For the first time, all three of my kids were tall enough to ride every single ride. This meant that Ethan wanted to try the roller coasters! Since we got there early and the lines were non-existent at first, we rode Superman three times in a row. Ugh. It made me feel sick afterwards! That was the other milestone: the first time riding a roller coaster made me feel nauseous, and I found more joy in watching my kids ride it than riding it myself. (Though in reality, I just shouldn't have ridden it three times in quick succession!)

I chalked it up to 'growing old' and told the kids my roller coaster days might be over. We headed to the water park and I avoided coasters 'til the end of the day. I thought I'd abstain from coasters altogether, as I was not anxious to feel sick again, but because my boys did not want to go 'without a grown-up,' I changed my mind and rode two more right before the park closed, actually feeling okay after all.

Before I changed my mind, however, I'd apologized to the boys. I'd said, "I'm sorry I can't ride with you anymore because I'm getting so old." Ethan turned to me and said, "You're not old, Mom! You just feel sick when you ride the roller coasters. Which I can understand because I even feel sick sometimes just from spinning on a chair. But the rides give me such a thrill that I still want to ride them." I just about fell over. Here my 8-year-old son was being both very empathetic and very articulate. To hear him say "I understand" to me made my heart melt because of his kindness, and to hear "they give me a thrill" made me smile. Five years ago, Ethan couldn't communicate his feelings to me at all other than with grins and tears. I remember being so frustrated that I couldn't know what was really going on in his little heart and mind. And now he was not only able to share with me his own joy in riding the new-to-him big coasters, but also his thoughtfulness in understanding where I was coming from.

I'm so thankful that my youngest child has learned to talk clearly, and feel privileged to have been part of his journey. And more than anything else, I'm grateful for his tender heart.

Small Changes Make a Big Difference

It took me a few months to figure out what kind of exercise would work best for me on a daily basis. I first tried using the Couch to 5K program and walking/running on a nearby creek trail. While I loved being outside and seeing the beauty of God's creation around me, I faced a number of obstacles. The first was practical: the trail tended to be bumpy with rocks and tree roots so I always had to be watching my step carefully. If I used a different part of the trail, it was paved, and my shins started hurting after a couple weeks of my regimen. Also, the bit of extra effort it took to get out of the house, coupled with days of bad weather, flooded trail, or early heat, meant that I easily found excuses for *not* exercising.

So then I turned to exercise dvd's. I used my local library and checked out at least ten over the course of a few months, trying to figure out what I liked and what worked. I really enjoy dance so I started with some dance/exercise videos. None really clicked with me. Then I tried Leslie Sansone, who has a video series called "Walk at Home." I decided that her style and method were what I needed, and now I've settled on one particular dvd called "5 Mile Fat Burning Walk" that I've used daily for a few months.

While it's called "Walk at Home," Sansone actually guides me in 'multi-muscle walking,' mixed with high-intensity intervals. I use ankle weights and hand weights to make the workout more effective. The 'walking' is actually a combination of various moves, including knee lifts, kicks, side steps and others. During the high-intensity intervals, we jog in place or back and forth, and do some of the other moves (like kicks) at a higher intensity.

When I started my exercise efforts, I couldn't do more than 15-20 minutes at a time. I gradually built up to more rigor and more time, though, and my latest habit is to exercise for an hour each day, for 6 days/week. It should be noted that this is the *first* time in my entire life that I've kept a commitment to exercise regularly. It's hard work, but I feel so much better because of it! Plus it boosts my confidence to know that I can stick with something difficult.

Other changes I've made in my weight loss effort include:

• Not drinking coffee at home, which means I only drink about 2 cups/week. I tend to only like coffee with cream and sugar, so cutting back to when it's made available to me elsewhere (like church) has helped reduce calories.
• Drinking a 'green thickie' most mornings for breakfast. I make them with oats, walnuts, fruit, yogurt, water, and spinach. 
• Paying more attention to my hunger signals and eating less at any meal when my stomach says it's full enough.
• Cutting back hugely on sweet things. This is my hardest effort of all, and I haven't conquered it. Sometimes I'm better off just not eating anything sweet period. Other times, I've been good at taking very small portions and not getting seconds.
• Eating fewer baked goods. I used to make a lot of pancakes, coffeecakes and other yummy breakfast items, but now I use that morning time to exercise and we eat more smoothies and eggs instead. I've also cut back on my bread consumption by having fewer sandwiches.

I'm still very much a work in progress, but the longer I go with these changes, the more they're becoming a welcome part of my life. When I say 'no' to a dessert or take only a half-slice of cake, instead of being grumpy about what I'm missing, I rejoice in thinking of the health I'm gifting my body. I love the way I feel these days!

New Beginnings

Steve and I have both undergone fairly major changes in the past ten months or so, and while we still struggle on multiple fronts, the changes have all been good. In September 2014, Steve began a PhD program at Georgetown University, studying Christianity and Islam in the theology department. He has loved this opportunity to stretch his mind and focus on what he really loves. He's reveled in the camaraderie of fellow students, and feels fulfilled in a way he hasn't for a quite a few years. While it's tough as a family to live on his stipend, and to find balance since his study seems never-ending, it is wonderful to have a happy husband & father!

The biggest change for me this year has been joining TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) and working hard at both losing weight and gaining health. I'd never struggled much with my weight until about six years ago, but when I let it go, it got really bad really fast! My obesity has been a source of great sadness and frustration for me these past few years and I was tired of it. While TOPS is not a diet or exercise program, it offers support and accountability through weekly weigh-ins and meetings. This has helped tremendously! For the first time in my life, I've made it a priority to exercise regularly (and I'm up to doing it 6 days/week, usually an hour each time), and I feel stronger and healthier because of it. I now have energy to climb stairs, make a dash if I need to, or chase the kids in a game of tag. And I've coupled the exercise with healthier eating, which has made just as big a difference. I had fallen into the bad habit of self-medicating my sorrow with food, and it's taken a real shift in my thinking, as well as gargantuan self-discipline, to cut way back on my portions in general and desserts/sweets in particular. After six months in the program, I've lost 30 pounds and am 'halfway to goal.' I still have a long way to go, but I feel so much better!

Another new beginning has been joining a house church. Our good friends Jared and Claudia Holsing decided in December to plant a new church, and we joined their home group in January. We've treasured our Friday night meetings with new friends, growing, being encouraged and challenged. Now we're shifting from Fridays to Sundays, and are so thankful for the chance to be part of a missional, incarnational body of believers. It's a church experience unlike any we've ever had before and we look forward to how God will work both in us and the world around us as we pursue life together.

Finally, just a week ago I found out about another beginning. I was notified by the C.S. Lewis Institute here in Washington, D.C. that I was accepted for their 12-month discipleship program, which starts now! I've completed my first reading assignment ("Ordering Your Private World" by Gordon MacDonald) and will go to the orientation meeting this coming Thursday. After that, the commitment is to complete the reading assignments, write monthly reflection papers, meet with a mentor once a month, meet with a small group once a month, and attend Saturday morning class once a month. We'll also go on a retreat and do a service project together. I'm really excited about this opportunity! I think it will be the accountability for my spirit and mind that I've been longing for, similar to the accountability I've found for my body through TOPS.

I hope to write more, especially as I go through this year of readings and reflections. I'd love to share a bit of my journey with you. I'll finish with two quotes from my first reading assignment:

"I want first of all ... to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. ... I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God." ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh, The Gift from the Sea

"There must be a quiet place where all is in order, a place from which comes the energy that overcomes turbulence and is not intimidated by it." ~ Gordon MacDonald, Ordering Your Private World

Completing my first 5K! March 2015

Tent Camping & Why our Family Loves it

The view I had while cooking dinner in New Brunswick.

Dappled shadows danced upon the red filmy fabric above my head, as I groggily woke from sleep to the sound of birds and crashing waves. Poking my head from the tent, I felt the salty breeze caress my face, and my heart soared. True, the bathroom was a few minutes' walk away, requiring me to pass by other campers, some already stoking their fires and some still asleep. But I loved seeing the ocean as I walked, and the constant wind woke my mind and soul, easily drawing me to God.

My family and I have just returned from 19 days away, 8 nights of which were spent tent camping, but almost all 19 of which included vast quantities of time spent outside. Putting on sunscreen and bugspray were daily routines, as we figured we'd always have at least a few hours outside, if not the whole day and night. Thankfully our holiday was spent north and northeast (in Quebec, the Maritimes, and Maine), so the temperatures were mild and (except for a few days too cold or rainy) I loved every minute in the great outdoors.

As we neared the end of our vacation, and began staying in rooms instead of our tent, I actually felt a loss. I might be the only one crazy enough to say it, but I truly preferred a campsite to a hotel room! I know my children felt similarly. My daughter feels like she's been 'gypped' by not having had more tent camping experience in her early childhood. She is jealous of me, knowing that I camped every year as a child.

So what were my thoughts? Here are some reasons we loved our camping experience...

1) While camping, everyone needs to work together to accomplish the most basic tasks. This (ideally) builds teamwork. To be frank, we weren't the best at this, and it often caused angst and fighting. But I know we can do better and regardless, it was good for the kids to learn basic skills and to see that they're needed.

Ethan and Naomi help unload the rooftop carrier

 2) Fresh air is refreshing for the soul (and good for the body)! I admit that living in constant fresh air would have been a lot less pleasant had we been in warmer, more humid climes. But even during sunnier or warmer times, when I started to feel less comfortable, I learned to appreciate shade and water much more! We enjoyed all the various scents that come with fresh air ... pine trees, flowers, ocean salt ... and loved being one with the world around us. We noticed more clouds, stars, animals, plants than we ever would have inside. I know that some people need more constantly regulated air supplies and even for health reasons, need to be inside. But I'm the opposite. I love nature, love the feeling of moving air touching my face, and feel claustrophobic when inside, especially if it's too warm and still.

The kids are so happy to arrive at our campground after a long day of driving!

3) We learned that life can be very simple. My cooking supply box had only the essentials and it was refreshing to cook using minimal dishes and utensils. True, we had to wash those dishes after every meal since there were no extras. But despite the complaints of the children regarding this, I'm sure that we didn't spend any more time hand-washing and drying than we do at home, rinsing, loading and unloading the dishwasher. Rather, we learned to conserve water (since the kids had to fetch it from the spigot, never in our own campsite) and to work speedily and efficiently.

Not only was cooking more simple, so was our fun and our space. The kids got by with the few games and books they'd brought, and weren't distracted by mounds of superfluous toys. Our clothes were limited, our bedding didn't need to be "made up" each day, and there was no space for extra mess. This was especially refreshing when compared to the messy, cluttered home we usually live in.

Most critically, since our cell phones didn't work in Canada and we had to go out of our way to find internet for our laptop, we were almost completely unplugged, which is one of the best ways to be simple and enjoy life moment by moment.

The kids help Steve put up our brand-new tent.

4) We were together. This had its challenges, as I sometimes felt that we were too together. But not usually. At home, even in our small townhouse, we spread out to different rooms, choose different activities, sometimes not talking much and not generally sharing the same experiences. While camping, we shared everything, even going to the bathroom/showers! We went to bed at the same time, got up at similar times, shared in kitchen duties when it was meal time, enjoyed games, drives or hikes together when duties were finished. At night, we read Anne of Green Gables together in the tent. Of course there were many times when we got on each others' nerves, and since we had varying expectations of the 'ideal vacation,' we couldn't always please everyone with our activity choices. But even in that, we learned to give and take. We practiced compromise and (tried to have) positive attitudes. I think that overall, it was a blessing to live life together.

The kids on the Skyline Trail, in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia.

 Other reasons we enjoyed camping include:
   * singing folksongs with guitar around a campfire
   * meeting interesting and friendly people
   * not needing to sweep or vacuum
   * not needing to clean bathrooms
   * eating s'mores -- enough said!
   * freedom for children to run around and get dirty

A few things that were more difficult...
   * noise, especially when an untaut tarp is overhead and wind is blowing violently, or when a newcomer drives into the spot right next to your tent at 11 PM and you've already gone to bed
   * bathrooms being far away when you desperately have to go, and especially when you have to take your half-asleep child one more time around midnight
   * dirt and bugs (if you care -- I chose to just take it in stride)
   * most campgrounds now do not let you bring in your own firewood, so campfires were an extra expense and not one we could indulge in every night. 
  
All in all, I'm so grateful to have had those few weeks in Canada, and while appreciative of beds and couchsurfing hosts when we had them, am even more thankful for the nights we camped. God's world is an amazing place and to be part of it was a privilege and a joy.

Cape Jourimain, New Brunswick