In the Lord of the Rings books, Smeagol (aka Gollum) is a character who used to be a normal hobbit but after finding the Ring, retreated to the depths of a mountain and lived a shadow of his former life hidden in a cave.
I feel like I am Gollum.
I hear talk of continual growth and increasing wisdom (especially early on in a new year), hear song lyrics like "It's day one of the rest of your life, day one of the best of your life" and cringe, knowing these don't apply to me. I look at where I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, even 5 years ago, and do not share any of the optimistic sentiments that my life is improving or that my heart and mind are growing.
Au contraire, I feel like I am continually dimming. My life today is a shadow of what it once was. My light has dimmed and is close to being snuffed completely out. I am not in a physical cave in a literal mountain. I do not possess a Ring of great power that is corrupting and obsessing me, as Gollum did. But I am not who I once was, and I'm far from who I want to be. I am tired and angry, hurt and lonely, distrustful and sad, busy and overwhelmed. I still take joy in many of the activities that always brought joy before, but I struggle to make time for those, and crud seems to often overwhelm any hint of contentment.
I'm trying to get help -- seeing a therapist and taking meds -- but don't have great hopes. I would so very much like to reverse this trend, to blossom instead of shriveling. Maybe it will happen yet...
I feel like I am Gollum.
I hear talk of continual growth and increasing wisdom (especially early on in a new year), hear song lyrics like "It's day one of the rest of your life, day one of the best of your life" and cringe, knowing these don't apply to me. I look at where I was 20 years ago, 10 years ago, even 5 years ago, and do not share any of the optimistic sentiments that my life is improving or that my heart and mind are growing.
Au contraire, I feel like I am continually dimming. My life today is a shadow of what it once was. My light has dimmed and is close to being snuffed completely out. I am not in a physical cave in a literal mountain. I do not possess a Ring of great power that is corrupting and obsessing me, as Gollum did. But I am not who I once was, and I'm far from who I want to be. I am tired and angry, hurt and lonely, distrustful and sad, busy and overwhelmed. I still take joy in many of the activities that always brought joy before, but I struggle to make time for those, and crud seems to often overwhelm any hint of contentment.
I'm trying to get help -- seeing a therapist and taking meds -- but don't have great hopes. I would so very much like to reverse this trend, to blossom instead of shriveling. Maybe it will happen yet...
1 comment:
I see you, I hear you, are liked and loved!
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