We're nearing the end of our 8 1/2 months here, and that means running away once again. I will fly out on May 29 leaving annoyances unaddressed, conflicts unresolved, relationships abandoned. I'm getting really good at this, seeing as my life since 2005 has just been one blip after another. Moving every year or two, either house or church ... or continent.
And every time, dying a little more inside.
I don't like feeling so rootless. I don't want to be so unknown and unaccountable to -- and unloved by -- church leaders and Christian friends. I don't enjoy stuffing my feelings deep down yet once again, knowing that as the years go by, I'm actually getting less mature instead of more.
But here we go. Moving to yet another home, searching for yet another church, struggling again to make friends and find community, knowing that the truth of who I am and how my family functions is so much uglier than anyone can imagine. And what will I leave behind at Tantur? Nothing. My baggage will come with me. My tears and frustrations, loneliness and despair, will be packed away like my books, and carted off to my next "home."
Maybe someday I'll live somewhere long enough to be deeply known and counseled through my struggles. Maybe one day I'll be able to mature in my relationships, so I can be honest and real, and learn to do more than just running away.
And every time, dying a little more inside.
I don't like feeling so rootless. I don't want to be so unknown and unaccountable to -- and unloved by -- church leaders and Christian friends. I don't enjoy stuffing my feelings deep down yet once again, knowing that as the years go by, I'm actually getting less mature instead of more.
But here we go. Moving to yet another home, searching for yet another church, struggling again to make friends and find community, knowing that the truth of who I am and how my family functions is so much uglier than anyone can imagine. And what will I leave behind at Tantur? Nothing. My baggage will come with me. My tears and frustrations, loneliness and despair, will be packed away like my books, and carted off to my next "home."
Maybe someday I'll live somewhere long enough to be deeply known and counseled through my struggles. Maybe one day I'll be able to mature in my relationships, so I can be honest and real, and learn to do more than just running away.
2 comments:
You're hardly running away. These moves are circumstantial; they're not deliberate decisions to move and leave behind conflict (loneliness, pain, and the rest). But I get the longing to be rooted and deeply known. ((hug))
True that my moves have been circumstantial, but I also choose to not be upfront and to not resolve things before I go.
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