Depression Again – August 13, 2007

I feel like a failure in every way. I don’t know how normal, happy people do it. I’m tired of my messy tendencies and my inability to keep house well. Tired of feeling disorganized and unscheduled.

I feel like a failure with my kids – when Naomi is so insolent, or I have to call Josiah three times before he comes, I just wonder why I ever thought I could parent. And how ridiculous to think I can home-school!!!

I’m a discouraging, nagging wife to Steve, and a non-existent neighbor and witness. I’ve lived here for 9 months and don’t even have friends yet. And I don’t manage to stay in touch with good friends who live far away. Worst of all, I find it so hard to pray and read my Bible.

I don’t know why doctors think that antidepressants and counseling would make an improvement for me. I don’t think anything can help.

Gorgeous Perseids! Aug. 12, 2007

If you’ve never star-gazed during the annual meteor shower in August, you should give it a try! Steve and I put a blanket on our lawn tonight and within 10 minutes, saw 5 meteors! I was so thankful I live in a dark place. I remember that as a kid, my dad would drive us quite a ways out of Los Angeles to get us into the mountains where the light pollution wasn’t so bad. All I had to do was step out my front door and lie on the grass! The sky was beautiful. We stayed out for half an hour and enjoyed talking quietly and seeing God’s creation. Two meteors in particular were gorgeous, with long tails and very bright. Happy gazing!

Everybody’s Learning!

I’ve just begun learning Arabic! We bought the Rosetta Stone computer tutorial for oral, written, and spoken Arabic and I began working on it today. It’s a great system (so far) for learning a language on my own (which I admit is highly inferior to learning it in context). Even Naomi worked on it a little with me, but got frustrated and stopped. I was really worried about learning a new language because I never was able to speak or comprehend French very well when I studied it in school. But I’m liking this so far.

Ethan is learning how to get around! He began crawling a month ago and now also pulls/pushes himself to a standing position whenever he can. Sometimes he waits until there is something above him to hold onto; sometimes he just pushes onto his feet from a crawling position. He loves to move!

Naomi is learning to face her social fears and get to know new people. She attended her first Vacation Bible School in mid-July, at a Baptist church in town. She was so scared ahead of time, and even threatened to throw fits if I made her go. But we talked about it a lot, and I managed to convince her to give it a try. She ended up loving it, and even made a new friend. This week, she and Josiah are both attending another VBS at the Gertzes’ Baptist church, and again are loving it.

Steve is learning about an early 20^th Century British missionary to Egypt named Temple Gairdner. He’s considering switching his dissertation topic to this man (instead of Raymond Llull) in part because he would not have to learn Latin in order to read Gairdner’s writing. (He would only have to learn Arabic first!) We’re also trying to learn that though God doesn’t answer prayers the way we hope, he is still listening and providing for us. Steve did not get a job we hoped he would, so we’re unsure what this year will look like, though perhaps it will be a good time for Steve to take Arabic classes and study Gairdner.

Farmer's Market – August 1, 2007

God ministered to us in a sweet way today at the Lexington Farmer’s Market.

My kids love the experience of walking by all the tables displaying bread, honey, vegetables, flowers, and fruit. When we went in early summer, Naomi’s favorite thing was the flowers. For a few weeks, we didn’t make it to farmer’s market because I wasn’t in the habit of driving to town on a Wednesday. This week I made it a priority and we were blessed.

There was an abundance of vegetables and fruit, which was nice for me so I don’t have to buy my produce at Wal-Mart this week! There was a soft puppy for the kids to pet, and a choir friend of mine to greet. A lady selling bouquets of flowers saw my kids and came after us, telling Naomi and Josiah that they could each pick their own flower from her collection. Such a small gesture meant a lot to my preschoolers who love flowers. Naomi’s flower had a slightly prickly stem, so the lady even wrapped it in green tissue paper and tied it with a string.

We bought a few tomatoes and a cucumber at one family’s stand. They were also selling honey and offered to give us a taste. The kids enjoyed two mouthfuls of sweetness and were delighted by the “bear” bottles of honey for sale. The owner told me all the prices, and right away offered me a “two for one” deal. But I hesitated because I only had a few dollars left in my wallet. He said he was so taken with my kids – that they were well-behaved and sweet – that he’d give them a bear bottle of honey for free.

I couldn’t believe it! I was truly impressed by his generosity, and grateful for the encouragement he gave me by complimenting my kids. But it got even better…

We returned to the market two hours later and were sitting in the shade, near the same stall. The friendly vendor remembered that we’d previously bought tomatoes and cucumber, packaged up some more for us and brought them to the kids as yet another gift. Naomi and Josiah dove right in and each ate a tomato and half a cucumber. That they would eat raw vegetables so cheerfully added to his high opinion of them!

It was now near the market’s closing time and the same man came to me one more time and told me we could have any squash or cucumber for no charge because he was going to pack up and go home. We gave him the last of our money and picked out a few more cucumbers (my kids think they’re delicious!). Tonight we enjoyed sweet, ripe tomatoes in our taco salad, thanks to this family at the farmer’s market.

On the way home from town, I asked the kids what their favorite part of the day had been (we’d also been to a story time at the library and done a craft). Naomi’s favorite was the farmer’s market, though she didn’t specify why. I said that my favorite had been the market, too, but because it was so special to be given gifts by complete strangers … flowers, honey, cucumbers, tomatoes and kind words. Thank you, God, for an encouraging day.

Gertzes Move

My in-laws, “Mom and Dad” Gertz, have now moved out of their apartment. Yesterday was the last day of their lease and they spent it cleaning. They’ve been moving for over a week, taking loads back and forth in their huge van, between their apartment and a storage room in their house that’s under construction still. They’ll be temporarily living with Steve’s sister and her son while they get their new house closer to completion.

We helped them get started with their packing last weekend, and Steve’s helped them more in the past few days. I’ve had them over for three dinners and delivered a fourth to them, including last night and the night before.

It’s going to be really strange not having them down the road anymore. I thought we’d spend more time with them than we did. Nonetheless, I was always glad they were so close by. Sometimes the kids and I would stop by to say hi to Mom on our way home from town. Or if we were all out walking after dinner, we’d go to their place to give them wildflowers and the kids would tell them the latest about their day.

One night there was a lunar eclipse and we couldn’t see it from our house because we’re next to woods. So we hopped in our car, drove for one minute to their place and watched the eclipse together while enjoying root beer floats (they always manage to have ice-cream at their house!)

If we had fix-it problems, Dad often came over immediately to help out. Steve carpooled every morning with Dad, driving together to the construction site. And it was just plain convenient for times we needed babysitters or just wanted to get together. It was nice having somewhere we could walk to! (Being on a farm, we drive to just about everywhere else.)

Now we’ll have the benefit of seeing them when we’re in town. On library days, I’ll have a place to let Ethan nap, in between my various errands. And hopefully we’ll have some lunches together when we’re in town for other reasons.

But I’ll miss having them as neighbors, that’s for sure. Thanks, Mom and Dad Gertz, for everything!

Such As These

The day was hot and sticky.
Many lessons,
many people
Would Jesus ever stop?
Tired and cranky,
wanting to go home.

And then….
children?!
Could it really be children?
Who would be audacious enough
to bother the Teacher,
the Healer,
the Lord,
with ones as small and ignorant,
as rude and noisy,
as children?

Convention stripped away.
“Let the little children
come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of heaven
belongs to such as these.”
Upside-down kingdom

In the shade of a tree
during a moment of pause
He pulled the children to himself.
Dirty from playing,
sweaty from working,
these were not bathed and powdered,
nor dressed in new Easter hats and Mary Jane shoes.
Children of the earth
they came,
poor
the least of these.

And he put them on his lap.
His arms folded around them,
holding them,
caressing them,
runny noses and all.
The God of the universe
held children in his arms.
He placed his life-giving hands
on the tousled hair
of their small heads.

And in the silence
of mouths dropped open,
of aghast disciples,
He prayed for them…

July 2, 1996

February 22, 1997

The tears gently roll down
in the secret places of my heart.
I bow in bewilderment
burdened by confusion,
as if I were shouldering a ton of bricks.
I lift my eyes in desperation.
From heaven on high –
from right beside me –
you see my tender heart tears
And you hear my whispered heart cry.

“Father, who am I?!
What makes this heart of mine
care so much for other people
and about what others think of me?
Spirit, can you possibly take
this over-sensitive
passion
and transform it into
something –
anything –
useful?”

Sleepy eyes droop
and one salty tear
escapes from the recesses,
sliding gently down my cheek.
My fingers grope
my guitar
to find the chords
that mean
what I really want to say,
what I really want to say.