New Beginnings

Steve and I have both undergone fairly major changes in the past ten months or so, and while we still struggle on multiple fronts, the changes have all been good. In September 2014, Steve began a PhD program at Georgetown University, studying Christianity and Islam in the theology department. He has loved this opportunity to stretch his mind and focus on what he really loves. He's reveled in the camaraderie of fellow students, and feels fulfilled in a way he hasn't for a quite a few years. While it's tough as a family to live on his stipend, and to find balance since his study seems never-ending, it is wonderful to have a happy husband & father!

The biggest change for me this year has been joining TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) and working hard at both losing weight and gaining health. I'd never struggled much with my weight until about six years ago, but when I let it go, it got really bad really fast! My obesity has been a source of great sadness and frustration for me these past few years and I was tired of it. While TOPS is not a diet or exercise program, it offers support and accountability through weekly weigh-ins and meetings. This has helped tremendously! For the first time in my life, I've made it a priority to exercise regularly (and I'm up to doing it 6 days/week, usually an hour each time), and I feel stronger and healthier because of it. I now have energy to climb stairs, make a dash if I need to, or chase the kids in a game of tag. And I've coupled the exercise with healthier eating, which has made just as big a difference. I had fallen into the bad habit of self-medicating my sorrow with food, and it's taken a real shift in my thinking, as well as gargantuan self-discipline, to cut way back on my portions in general and desserts/sweets in particular. After six months in the program, I've lost 30 pounds and am 'halfway to goal.' I still have a long way to go, but I feel so much better!

Another new beginning has been joining a house church. Our good friends Jared and Claudia Holsing decided in December to plant a new church, and we joined their home group in January. We've treasured our Friday night meetings with new friends, growing, being encouraged and challenged. Now we're shifting from Fridays to Sundays, and are so thankful for the chance to be part of a missional, incarnational body of believers. It's a church experience unlike any we've ever had before and we look forward to how God will work both in us and the world around us as we pursue life together.

Finally, just a week ago I found out about another beginning. I was notified by the C.S. Lewis Institute here in Washington, D.C. that I was accepted for their 12-month discipleship program, which starts now! I've completed my first reading assignment ("Ordering Your Private World" by Gordon MacDonald) and will go to the orientation meeting this coming Thursday. After that, the commitment is to complete the reading assignments, write monthly reflection papers, meet with a mentor once a month, meet with a small group once a month, and attend Saturday morning class once a month. We'll also go on a retreat and do a service project together. I'm really excited about this opportunity! I think it will be the accountability for my spirit and mind that I've been longing for, similar to the accountability I've found for my body through TOPS.

I hope to write more, especially as I go through this year of readings and reflections. I'd love to share a bit of my journey with you. I'll finish with two quotes from my first reading assignment:

"I want first of all ... to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. ... I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God." ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh, The Gift from the Sea

"There must be a quiet place where all is in order, a place from which comes the energy that overcomes turbulence and is not intimidated by it." ~ Gordon MacDonald, Ordering Your Private World

Completing my first 5K! March 2015

Looking for a Church ... Again

Why is finding a church such a difficult process?

When we first moved to the D.C. area, almost three years ago, we spent eight months looking for a home church. We tried every single one that people recommended to us (which were mostly way too big), plus ones we found online (which were mostly too small). In June 2012, we chose a church that was thirty minutes away from us (by car), and called it home for a year. It was a sweet place for us in many regards. After a few months, however, we realized there were some pressing issues that weren't being resolved no matter how hard we tried, and though we hated the idea of 'church-hopping', when we moved house, it made sense to find a new church closer to home.

In July of last year, we began looking for a church within a 15-minute drive from our house, trying all kinds and denominations. We visited Methodist, Lutheran, Pentecostal, and Bible churches. We tried Wesleyan and Vineyard, Presbyterian and Anglican churches. We even tried an 'artsy' church that only had about 20 people at their Taizé service. Despite the uncertainty we faced each Saturday night -- "Where are we going tomorrow?" -- I actually enjoyed and appreciated the diversity of the Church. God's world is so big, and He's made us to be creative and unique people. I'm glad that churches aren't all the same! I found beauty in liturgy, and refreshment in spontaneity; richness in old hymns, and excitement in contemporary music; peace in sharing Communion with a Body I didn't know, and joy in celebrating the world's diversity with a parade of nations.

Ultimately, though, we're called to be part of a particular community, where we can grow our roots and become family with other members. And now a year later, that's what we're still lacking. Six months ago, we had narrowed our choices down to three churches, but in February, decided to try our local church for the first time. Amazingly, it fit many of our criteria and the fact that it was in our own neighborhood was a huge bonus. We attended almost weekly for the past four months, and even got involved in ESL ministry. We really thought and hoped it would be the right fit for us.

Unfortunately we're encountering a few roadblocks and wondering if we've been in the wrong place. 1) They are looking for a new pastor, and in the meantime, other staff members are preaching. We're struggling with the quality of teaching. 2) Even though we've done more than just 'show up' each Sunday morning, people have not been terribly friendly to us. Especially given Steve's time and energy that he's put into ESL classes, we're surprised that no one has wanted to get to know us. It's just expected that he'll keep teaching! 3) We really don't agree with Reformed theology and especially the conservative brand of it (PCA). Personally (more for me than Steve) the traditional format of worship and never getting to hear from women up front will (I think) really wear on me. Since both of us are more Arminian than Calvinist in our theology, Presbyterian churches aren't the greatest fit for us.

So.... last night we decided to try one of our previous "top three" again. This morning we attended United Wesleyan Church, and felt refreshed by the great sermon, enthusiastic worship singing, and amazing conversations afterward. The teaching was vulnerable, relevant and even grabbed our children's attention. How sad we were to hear that their pastor is resigning, though -- yet another church which will be in transition right when we're trying to get *more* settled, not less! It is a small church, (and we were hoping to avoid one quite that small, mostly because our home-schooled kids could really use a good source of friendship) but we'd already decided that small is better for us than big.

Despite its problems, we are wondering if this might have been the right fit for us after all. I remember the very first time we'd tried United, and the tears that had trickled down my cheeks as I'd watched half the pews fill with Africans. I've often longed for a touch of Nigeria here in America; the ladies' vibrantly colored dresses, and all of their dark skin made me think, "I've come home." Just as importantly, the church staff have international experience and hearts that beat for the world. These are folks with whom we feel a real connection (even though we barely know them) and with whom we've had remarkable conversations. This has been hard to find, given Steve's Islamic studies and our interest in true dialogue and friendship with Muslims. Most Christians we've encountered, especially pastoral staff, just don't understand where we're coming from and have a completely different view of how to act towards people of other faiths.

We continue to ponder all these things ... trying to balance theology and teaching and children's ministry and relationships and worship style. Many have said to me, "No church is perfect -- just pick one! You're taking too long!" And yet, we feel like we are choosing a spouse, patiently and prayerfully waiting on God's guidance for the right one. We want to be committed. We want this decision to be "for keeps" if at all possible. We will be here for five more years, Lord willing, and while we know that no church is perfect, we also believe God has a good fit for us. Hoping to settle on it soon....

Mysteries for God?

I’ve got a question: is there any way I can use my love for mysteries/thrillers/crime novels to glorify God or further his kingdom?

I know it sounds crazy. I feel crazy sometimes! But I’ve been taught so many times that God’s made us who we are, and that he wants us to use every part of us in service to him. So I’m just wondering… why do I have this passion for the books and movies that I love, the whodunits? I feel lazy while pleasing this part of me, but is there a way to redeem it?

Sing Your Praise to the Lord

While down with the flu and sinusitis a few weeks ago, I lost my voice. I was annoyed to go through advent and Christmas without being able to sing carols. I missed reading books aloud to the kids. I couldn't sing songs as I put my three to bed.

I wasn't ill too long, but even after recovering my speaking voice, I still could not sing. I faced another Sunday of church when I couldn't outwardly participate in the worship music. I eventually could poorly sing just for my kids, but it wasn't fun because I felt weak and couldn't reach my normal range of notes.

Today I attended All Saints' Church in Peckham, London, with my friends Becky, Simon and Claire. We must have already been in our second or third praise song when I suddenly realized what a novelty it was that I was singing -- with gusto and joy! I was so happy to be able to join people of diverse races and ethnicities in lively adoration of a great God. I was so grateful to have my singing voice back!

We sang of the Lamb upon the throne, and I tried to picture Christ as John described him in Revelation. I imagined saints from around the world, and from all generations, worshiping just as we were this morning. I thank God for his unending love and his perfect sacrifice. I thank Him for the privilege it is to praise Him.

Still No Housing...

We really need prayers that we'll find the right home soon! We viewed a place last week, and view two places tomorrow, but it just feels like nothing is going to work out. We've stayed with our retired friends for a week now and I can only imagine how frustrated they might be from the ruckus that my kids make! I want to relieve them by moving out as soon as possible, but I also don't want to panic and make a silly decision we have to live with for a year. It's difficult to say the least.

Ethan's finally adjusted to the time change, as have the rest of us. My mom also arrived two days ago, visiting us from Nigeria. It's wonderful to talk with her in person, hear her laugh, read stories aloud from Reader's Digest, and watch my kids get to know her again.

We sat on a bench in Christ Church meadows this afternoon, and I watched the golden light of the setting sun cast a glow on buildings and trees alike. I pointed it out to Naomi, remarking that what would normally be a boring brown tree looked made of gold instead. In the middle of a busy small city, the peaceful river walk and the rich green meadow brought me calm and peace. I remembered that God is a God of beauty, a creator God who loves us and wants what's best for us. Oh that I would trust him quietly instead of feeling such anxiety and doubt...

Bedtime Prayers

September 5, 2007

Until now, I’ve prayed with Naomi and Josiah each night as I tuck them into bed. This morning in school, we read the paragraph beginning with Mark 1:35 about Jesus getting up early and going somewhere quiet to pray. So tonight I asked the kids to think of who they’d like to pray for.

To help Naomi with ideas, I suggested the name of someone we know who “does not love Jesus.” Naomi was baffled. Someone doesn’t love Jesus? She asked me why, and I told her that teachers who didn’t love God had told this person bad things about God. Now she was really confused.

She said, “How can that be? Teachers are supposed to teach you about God!” As she’s only been exposed to me (as her kindergarten teacher) and her Sunday school teachers, she couldn’t conceive of a teacher not loving God.

After we prayed together, she asked me to tell her more about these “teachers who don’t love God” later. I asked her what she meant and she said she wanted to know exactly which teachers don’t love God. Ah… here comes the beginning of difficult reality. I hate to burst her idealistic bubble and tell her that the majority of people don’t know or love Jesus. But maybe that will be an impetus for prayer and evangelism.

God, please guide my words and actions, and may we be a light for you.

Such As These

The day was hot and sticky.
Many lessons,
many people
Would Jesus ever stop?
Tired and cranky,
wanting to go home.

And then….
children?!
Could it really be children?
Who would be audacious enough
to bother the Teacher,
the Healer,
the Lord,
with ones as small and ignorant,
as rude and noisy,
as children?

Convention stripped away.
“Let the little children
come to me,
and do not hinder them,
for the kingdom of heaven
belongs to such as these.”
Upside-down kingdom

In the shade of a tree
during a moment of pause
He pulled the children to himself.
Dirty from playing,
sweaty from working,
these were not bathed and powdered,
nor dressed in new Easter hats and Mary Jane shoes.
Children of the earth
they came,
poor
the least of these.

And he put them on his lap.
His arms folded around them,
holding them,
caressing them,
runny noses and all.
The God of the universe
held children in his arms.
He placed his life-giving hands
on the tousled hair
of their small heads.

And in the silence
of mouths dropped open,
of aghast disciples,
He prayed for them…

July 2, 1996

February 22, 1997

The tears gently roll down
in the secret places of my heart.
I bow in bewilderment
burdened by confusion,
as if I were shouldering a ton of bricks.
I lift my eyes in desperation.
From heaven on high –
from right beside me –
you see my tender heart tears
And you hear my whispered heart cry.

“Father, who am I?!
What makes this heart of mine
care so much for other people
and about what others think of me?
Spirit, can you possibly take
this over-sensitive
passion
and transform it into
something –
anything –
useful?”

Sleepy eyes droop
and one salty tear
escapes from the recesses,
sliding gently down my cheek.
My fingers grope
my guitar
to find the chords
that mean
what I really want to say,
what I really want to say.

Painting Pictures of Egypt, by Sara Groves

This is a song by Sara Groves, and describes how Steve and I are feeling now (and how we felt in Scotland and probably how we’ll feel in our next location!) We'd appreciate your prayers as we look for a job and decide whether to stay in rural Virginia or not (our apt. requires a 3-month notice for another 12-month lease, so we need to decide about our apt. by July 31).

I don’t want to leave here,
I don’t want to stay,
it feels like pinching to me either way.
The places I long for the most
are the places where I’ve been.
They are calling after me like a long lost friend.
It’s not about losing faith,
it’s not about trust,
it’s all about comfortable when you move so much.
The place I was wasn’t perfect
but I had found a way to live.
It wasn’t milk or honey
but then neither is this.

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
But the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things I’ve learned,
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

The past is so tangible,
I know it by heart,
familiar things are never easy to discard.
I was longing for some freedom,
but now I hesitate to go,
I am caught between the promise and the things I know.

I’ve been painting pictures of Egypt
leaving out what it lacked.
The future feels so hard and I want to go back.
but the places that used to fit me
cannot hold the things I’ve learned,
and those roads were closed off to me
while my back was turned.

It if comes too quick, I may not recognize it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?
If it comes too quick, I may not appreciate it.
Is that the reason behind all this time and sand?

MATTHEW 18:1-4

I came to Jesus one day
with my degree and diplomas,
my awards and references,
my GPA and skills.

I came to him
so sure of myself,
so eager to please.
“Jesus,” I asked,
“what do you want most?
Who should I be
to be most pleasing to you?”

Of course, I already knew the answer:
I fit the bill perfectly.
For with my pride, talents
and successes,
I more than covered up
any small faults I had.
I was the match.
My successful self was
just what he wanted,
surely.

“A child,” he said.
“To be like a child –
to be humble and innocent,
trusting and gentle,
to love me as a child loves,
completely,
almost bursting at the heart’s seams.
To be like a child,” Jesus said.

As I slowly turned away,
hot tears came to my eyes.
I felt his arms enfold me
and gently
he began to peel away
the masks of grown-up pride.
Lovingly
he let me cry on his shoulder.
Only Jesus.
Only Jesus.

January 3, 1998

Yahweh and Man: a narrative of redemption (Finale: The Not Yet)

No one knows
the day or the hour –
it could be any minute.

The LORD in all his splendor
will return for his own
and rule in his heavenly might.

No one knows
the day or the hour…
we must always be ready.

If he came tonight,
would you have any reason to fear?

* * *

Holy God,
I praise you
for being so righteous
that all sin is detestable
in your sight.

But I praise you, too,
for grace,
for forgiveness,
for cleansing me by
the blood of Jesus.
There will be a day
when I and all others
stand before your throne,
accountable for our words,
thoughts,
actions,
but most of all,
for our acceptance
or rejection
of You as LORD.

King of kings,
I already dread
the look of disappointment
on Your face
as you recount all my failings.
But I rejoice, as well, in knowing
that you have covered these
and saved me from
the punishment I deserve.

* * *

In this world
of hurt and disappointment,
we like to think of
heaven
as the place with all of our
own personal favorites.
The beauty of heaven, though,
is not in our own pleasure,
our own satisfaction.
Rather it is in the
ecstasy
of being face-to-face
with God
and praising him in humble adoration
forever …
Eternal worship
of an eternal God,
worthy of all
honor and glory.

• * * *

Father,
even as I am redeemed in your sight,
may I ever remember
that redemption
is not a story about me.

You love us, yes.
but you did not redeem us
because we are so good.

You alone are to be praised,
and nothing else in eternity is worth doing.
Only in worshipping you
does life have any meaning.
The story of redemption
is all about YOU.

You, who desire all glory and praise.
You, who are the end to all.
You have redeemed us that we might
worship you forever,
and live in right relationship
with You.

Please keep breaking me
every single day
that I would become less of me
and more of you,
and live in constant worship.

April 1998, for my Christian Thought final project

Yahweh & Man: a narrative of redemption (Part 2: The Now)

Communion
sweet fellowship
openness
beauty
peace
contentment
joy
love

Pride
apple
disobedience

Jealousy
shame
lust
killing
lies
ugliness
bitterness
separation

* * *
Dear God, what have we done?
Given choice,
we chose the darkness.
and now, shattered,
we lie in pieces on the ground.
Broken,
bleeding,
our hearts keep wandering.
In our areas of “strength,”
we are actually
most weak.
And the hardest thing is:

we can never put ourselves
together again.

* * *

The separation from you is so great …
How are we then
to ever come close to you?
To ever pay enough recompense
to cover the depth of
our guilt?

On our own,
It is impossible .
But because of your perfect love,
you have made a way;
you have covered us,
canceled our sin
and washed us clean.

Only You.

* * *

From the highest glory
to the lowest poverty,

God of all
Stepped into time.

Who would have thought
that Almighty Holy God
would ever become human?
It makes no sense
to our limited minds –
this God and man
in one being.
But then again,
what of God can we grasp?

* * *

They called him Jesus.
And no one quite knew what to make of him.

He was a person,
was a Jew,
was a son and brother …
but didn’t there seem to be more?
He was called a prophet,
a teacher,
yet his words were more than just facts.
They were words of authority,
as though Jesus himself were
the originator of such thoughts.

And see his life –
evidence in every minute
of the God he was:
communion with the Father,
power to perform miracles,
compassion for the children,
the prostitute,
the demon-possessed,
the widow,
and always perfection

In paradox,
at the same time,
he was clearly man
who needed shelter,
who cried,
who was hungry,
who had friends …
who died.

* * *

For sin that causes death,
death is required.
And animal sacrifices had been the means

throughout Jewish history.
Does it not make sense then
that to finally
pay for it all,
the perfect sacrifice
would need to die?

Yahweh and Man: a narrative of redemption (Part 1: Beginnings)

Before the beginning
ever began
You were.

Holy God
perfect by nature
so beyond my mind's understanding --
there simply are no words.
For you are full,
complex,
and complete
way above my finitude.

You are love.
You are mercy.
You are judge.
You are righteous.

You are alone.

There is none like you.

* * *

In the beginning
you created.
Master artist
you joined your
zesty imagination
with your love for beauty
to form the earth
and the heavens.

Your powerful hand
wrought the stars,
the mountain summits,
the ocean depths.
Your gentle hand
molded ladybugs,
dandelions,
and baby's breath.

Giver of life,
creative beyond comparison,
you made all things.

And you saw that
they were good.

* * *

Creator of beginnings
you saw that all was good.
But you were not yet finished.

For your grand finale,
you made two more
pieces:
Man and Woman.
Of the same form
yet different,
you made them.

In holy tenderness,
you breathed your life
into them.
You placed your treasure
into their clay pots
and called them
"in my image."

Though created,
we are creative.
Though finite,
we seek the infinite.
Though individuals,
we need relationship.

Thank you, God,
for the life you have given us.
Thank you for
making us image-bearers.
Thank you for beginnings.

April 1998, for Christian Thought class at Wheaton College

Virginia Sorrow

I would guess that many around the world have now heard about our university shooting this morning. I've read that it is the deadliest shooting of its kind in American history.

These events always make me so sad, even if it's only one or two dead, as in the Amish school shooting last year. But this time, 32 were killed and it happened quite close to us. Blacksburg, VA, is only just over an hour away from where we live.

A recurring statement that I've read from students at Virginia Tech goes something like, "This is such a sleepy part of the state. Not much happens here. How could this have happened?" We're out in the country, far away from the highly populated cities like Washington, D.C. and Charlotte, N.C. It feels very safe here.

But nowhere is 'safe.'

My heart mourns for all the families that lost loved ones today. I mourn for the classmates and faculty who have to recover from the shock.

I know evil has always existed (well, not 'always' as in 'eternal,' but you know what I mean) and that people have killed ever since we were created. But it just seems different for a stranger to callously and brutally take the lives of so many people he doesn't even know and doesn't have a reason to hate.

Our only hope is that God reigns, and that he both judges evil and forgives the humble. God, please comfort the weeping tonight...