New Beginnings

Steve and I have both undergone fairly major changes in the past ten months or so, and while we still struggle on multiple fronts, the changes have all been good. In September 2014, Steve began a PhD program at Georgetown University, studying Christianity and Islam in the theology department. He has loved this opportunity to stretch his mind and focus on what he really loves. He's reveled in the camaraderie of fellow students, and feels fulfilled in a way he hasn't for a quite a few years. While it's tough as a family to live on his stipend, and to find balance since his study seems never-ending, it is wonderful to have a happy husband & father!

The biggest change for me this year has been joining TOPS (Taking Off Pounds Sensibly) and working hard at both losing weight and gaining health. I'd never struggled much with my weight until about six years ago, but when I let it go, it got really bad really fast! My obesity has been a source of great sadness and frustration for me these past few years and I was tired of it. While TOPS is not a diet or exercise program, it offers support and accountability through weekly weigh-ins and meetings. This has helped tremendously! For the first time in my life, I've made it a priority to exercise regularly (and I'm up to doing it 6 days/week, usually an hour each time), and I feel stronger and healthier because of it. I now have energy to climb stairs, make a dash if I need to, or chase the kids in a game of tag. And I've coupled the exercise with healthier eating, which has made just as big a difference. I had fallen into the bad habit of self-medicating my sorrow with food, and it's taken a real shift in my thinking, as well as gargantuan self-discipline, to cut way back on my portions in general and desserts/sweets in particular. After six months in the program, I've lost 30 pounds and am 'halfway to goal.' I still have a long way to go, but I feel so much better!

Another new beginning has been joining a house church. Our good friends Jared and Claudia Holsing decided in December to plant a new church, and we joined their home group in January. We've treasured our Friday night meetings with new friends, growing, being encouraged and challenged. Now we're shifting from Fridays to Sundays, and are so thankful for the chance to be part of a missional, incarnational body of believers. It's a church experience unlike any we've ever had before and we look forward to how God will work both in us and the world around us as we pursue life together.

Finally, just a week ago I found out about another beginning. I was notified by the C.S. Lewis Institute here in Washington, D.C. that I was accepted for their 12-month discipleship program, which starts now! I've completed my first reading assignment ("Ordering Your Private World" by Gordon MacDonald) and will go to the orientation meeting this coming Thursday. After that, the commitment is to complete the reading assignments, write monthly reflection papers, meet with a mentor once a month, meet with a small group once a month, and attend Saturday morning class once a month. We'll also go on a retreat and do a service project together. I'm really excited about this opportunity! I think it will be the accountability for my spirit and mind that I've been longing for, similar to the accountability I've found for my body through TOPS.

I hope to write more, especially as I go through this year of readings and reflections. I'd love to share a bit of my journey with you. I'll finish with two quotes from my first reading assignment:

"I want first of all ... to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. ... I would like to achieve a state of inner spiritual grace from which I could function and give as I was meant to in the eye of God." ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh, The Gift from the Sea

"There must be a quiet place where all is in order, a place from which comes the energy that overcomes turbulence and is not intimidated by it." ~ Gordon MacDonald, Ordering Your Private World

Completing my first 5K! March 2015

On Being Fat

I never thought I'd be fat.

I confess that I used to look at overweight people and think, "How did they get like that?" or "Thank goodness that's not me!" The problem of weight seemed so removed from my own life. As a child, I was never skinny, but I think it's safe to say that I was very average-sized. I wasn't the most active kid on the block, but I liked to bike and skate, and even took pleasure from running the mile in 8 min. 48 sec. in fifth grade -- four whole seconds faster than my secret love at the time! For my entire childhood, my mom cooked amazing homemade dishes for us: international dinners, delicious breakfasts, and brown-bag lunches that included her handwritten notes. But over-eating was not an issue, nor was junk food (since it wasn't ever in my home).

College was the first time I remember struggling a little bit with self-control and food. My school had an amazing all-you-can-eat cafeteria with high quality, delicious food. Plus I was "on my own" and could make my own decisions about what I ate, without parents giving me limits or keeping things out of the house. I know I must have gained weight during those four years, but it wasn't a big deal to me, and didn't change how I thought of myself. By the time I got married and then pregnant for the first time, I was back to my average weight. Even after giving birth to my first, I was able to lose my pregnancy pounds not too long after.

But for the past 7 years or so, weight has been an increasing struggle, and I'm not sure why. I know I've been less self-controlled in my eating, even turning to food for comfort now, which I never used to do. Maybe it's also the fact that I'm getting older and my metabolism is changing. I've lived 3 of those years overseas, with no car, so I certainly did lots of walking and cycling. But exercise for the sake of exercise has always been difficult for me, and I'm sure that's a component as well. Along the way, I've learned some things I never expected to.

1) Being overweight is both all-consuming and no big deal. 
This is a strange paradox for me. On the one hand, being fat has become my identity. It means I hate to look in mirrors and I hate to have my picture taken. It makes it hard to hear my husband say I'm beautiful and probably even affects my relationship with God. I find it hard to choose clothes that look good on me, and every morning, I come to the same conclusion: I'm ugly.

But in some bizarre way, a lot of the time, it's very much not my identity. If I am engrossed in what brings me joy, I'm likely to forget that other people are looking at me and surely thinking how overweight I am. When I'm running with the kids at a gym night I've organized, or jumping in the waves at the beach; when I'm singing harmony in church, or reading aloud on a park bench and getting surrounded by more and more curious children ... these are my moments of bliss. And in those times, I feel normal. I forget my obesity.

2) It's a heck of a lot harder to lose weight than I ever thought.  
In my momentary choices to eat a third or fourth cookie because they tasted so darn good and made me so happy at the time, it didn't cross my mind how hard it would be to eventually get back to "average weight." Thankfully, I'm not still at my all-time high. I'm at least ten pounds lighter than that; nonetheless, I never envisioned that losing pounds would be such an uphill battle.

3) I have no idea what other overweight people are facing and am in no place to judge. 
I used to feel proud of my size and grateful that obesity wasn't one of my issues. Now my heart is softened. I look at others and think, "I don't know them and their own situation, but I do know they're a precious, valued person no matter what. And golly, they are beautiful!" Who am I to judge, when we all have different genes, different struggles, different medical conditions?

4) Every bit of encouragement helps. 
These days I really take it to heart when someone tells me what a nice smile I have, or how nice my singing is, or what sweet letters I write. I've never considered myself beautiful anyway, but certainly now, if I receive any encouraging word from someone, my spirit is lifted and I feel new hope. Maybe I am still lovable. Maybe people can see past my weight and to the heart inside me. Maybe I'm not completely ugly after all.

I desperately want to become healthy. I want to acquire the precarious balance of being content with who I am and striving for something more. I want my body to be healthy, my heart to be strong, my figure to be slimmer. But I also want to love myself and feel confident in the love of God and others. What a struggle. I never thought it would be mine. But it is.