Just Keep Breathing

"How many times have you heard me cry out, 'God, please take this'?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God I need you now." (Plumb)

The past 7 years have been the loneliest of my life (except for a brief respite in 2009-10), and there have been many moments when I felt like all I could do was cry out to God and hope to "just keep breathing." How many years can one sustain such a basic hope, though? "Just breathing" is not how life is meant to be lived. I feel like I've reached the end of what I can handle.

I'm not intentionally isolating myself or my family, though home-schooling naturally keeps us more insulated than most. I'm part of an informal 'support group' and a more formal 'co-op,' but no relationships have developed from either of those. I'd hoped that neighbors would be a natural source of friendship, but even 5 months after living in our new home, I hardly know any names. And the worst thing is that we are back to having no church home.

We lived our first 8 months in Washington, D.C. with no church and that was truly the loneliest I've been in 7 years. To be brand new in a huge place and have no neighbor friends and no church friends is almost unbearable. We finally did settle on a church and attended it for 12 months, but as of July 1, we've been looking for a new church.

Most of the time, this loneliness has settled in the pit of my stomach, in the depth of my brain, crouching like a hidden dragon. I've ignored it, on the surface pretending that I'm hardy, that I don't need close friends. My husband has tried to encourage me, reminding me of all the good friends I "still have" from my past. These are friends who were close at one time, but they don't call or visit or write. I don't know how that's supposed to encourage me: absent friends aren't the friends I need right now.

The other day, though, I received a phone call from someone I'd known at Wheaton College, been in touch with over the years, and had re-connected with since moving to D.C. This person needed to talk about a heart-breaking situation they're in the middle of, and I listened and chatted for over 2 hours. It happened on a day when I was hard-hit with a bad cold and was desperate for a nap, and my husband later asked, "Why on earth did you talk so long instead of just saying you needed to sleep?"

It hit me hard: I could count on one hand the number of talks I've had with friends in the past couple months, and my heart *needed* that conversation. Even though I was mostly listening (and I still have a heart full of burdens I'd love to share with someone else who can listen to me), I was still interacting with another adult who was actually appreciative of my presence. Such a rare occurrence these days...

I don't know how much longer I can 'just keep breathing.' I know I have my kids who depend on me right now. But I also need to be a friend. I need to talk to friends. And my kids need the same. They are almost as lonely as I am. Without friends, this life seems so purposeless and I don't know how to keep going...

March Update

Happy March everyone! We enjoyed the Spring-like weather today by going to the local park, running some laps around the football field and playing frisbee. That is, until Ethan got hit in the mouth by one of my high-speed throws. Sigh… The sight of blood did him in, and we came back home for lunch, nap and more school. Now the kids are outside, sucking on homemade popsicles with a couple neighbor boys from across the street. I’m hoping that warmer weather will make it easier for my kids to make friends, as more children will be playing outside after school.

It’s hard to believe we’ve only been in our new home for 3 ½ months. It feels like it’s been longer than that. Not counting Steve’s parents, we’ve already had 3 overnight guests at various times, and have another lined up for later this month. In fact, we have a friend from Amman who might be staying with us for weeks as she transitions back to U.S. life later this Spring. It’s nice to be in a place where there are 3 airports, many attractions, and work conferences that friends need to attend. I love hosting people! (If you know me, feel free to invite yourself!!)

I’m still struggling to find routine here … trying to balance my housework, my cooking, my teaching, and my computer work, all in the midst of Steve’s new commute and crazy-busy schedule of combining PhD research with a full-time job. I wish I were a naturally organized and structured person so it wasn’t such a battle for me. Plus I’m trying to throw in extra things now, like Community Bible Study and church (now that we’ve found a home church – yay!). I also continue to feel a bit “at odds” with my surroundings since we are the only white family in our entire neighborhood, and perhaps even town. It probably bothers me less than it bothers the rest of my family, since I have more experience than they in being a minority. But still… for some reason, it makes me feel a bit inhibited and self-conscious.

The kids are doing okay. I still haven’t gotten Ethan speech therapy, but he does seem to be steadily improving. His favorite activities are playing card games and playing with Josiah & his stuffed animals. Naomi has almost finished a 24-book series about wild horses in Nevada, and has gotten excited about the idea of trying to save land for horses (from cattle grazing). Josiah seems less and less content every time we move – he used to be the most happy-go-lucky sort of guy and now he complains a lot. I’m not sure why…

So such as it is, that’s our latest “news” (if you can even call it that!). I’m praying for friendships to develop soon. We’re all getting a bit tired of being friend-less.

Naomi Misses Home

Naomi said today that she likes our home in Virginia better than our home here. I asked her why and she said, "Because in Virginia it was summer. We could swim in our wading pool. We played with [cousin] Owen a lot. I liked going on walks and playing with the neighbors' dogs."

Sigh... She forgets how few walks we took during our winter in Virginia, and she forgets that until we lived with Mimi and Papa, we didn't have any neighbors with dogs. It was really our short summer living with Steve's parents that she remembers so fondly. And I told her today that it's true: we probably won't have a time just like that again; it's a treasure in our memories.

But this afternoon we have a girlfriend from church over playing. Izzy is also 6 and they've enjoyed decorating handbags, making bracelets, and sorting nature pictures. I'm sure that's raising her spirits =)

We've Arrived!

We've finally arrived in Oxford and all pretty dead tired. Some friends of ours from Magdalen Road Church (the church Steve attended 10 years ago) met us at Heathrowe airport in London and are putting us up until we can move into more permanent accomodation. We're thankful for God's provision for us in this way, as we might otherwise have ended up on Oxford's streets! Please pray we can secure our own flat/home soon.

More to come later...

Visa news

Less than 24 hours after we submitted our final papers for our visa applications, we were notified that they've been granted! Yay!

We've also found another house that we feel better about than the first, and are ready to make final deposit on it. We still need a place to stay when we first arrive, as the flat won't be ready for the first 10 days. But things are looking up....

Our Next Hurdle

A lot can happen in one week. We've been on a major road trip, seeing friends and family across several Midwestern states. After overnighting in Ohio, we spent a few nights in Michigan and Illinois with friends I knew in Jos (Murrays and Kirschners). And we're about to finish a visit with my brother and his family in Wisconsin. It has been a special time for our kids to get to know each other and have fun being cousins together.

A lot has been happening with our plans as well. On Monday, Steve got his loans approved by Oxford, as well as the final acceptance letter that we needed to apply for visas. Steve also met that day with a key professor from Wheaton who encouraged him to go to Oxford, in spite of the financial risks. So we've decided to go, and are praying that God will provide the money that we don't yet have to pay for this program.

But now we're facing the hurdle of getting visas in time. It turns out that we have to get fingerprinted as part of the visa process, so we're doing that in St. Paul, Minn. this Saturday (while we're visiting our friends, the Evans' and Snodgrasses). Then we're back to Chicagoland on Sunday, and into the city on Monday to submit our application. Please pray that the British consulate will turn those visas around quickly. We leave the following Sunday for England!

We still don't have our flat/home finalized. We discovered that the house we wanted doesn't have any beds or chairs, as well as lacking heat in two of the bedrooms. The more we thought about it, the more we realized that the costs of buying furniture made it less attractive. So we got back online and started looking again, and came across a house that's cheaper and fully furnished. A friend is scheduled to view the house on Tuesday; please pray that if God wants us there that the viewing will go well and we can move quickly on the house.

Some of you have asked if we're scared about this move, and all the last-minute preparations. The short answer is yes! But we believe that God has opened this door and we are walking through it. We covet your prayers.

More Questions, Fewer Answers

Our Oxford plans are not moving ahead smoothly. Almost every decision is still up in the air, and financial prospects look worse. If anything, I feel much less comfortable now about making this move, so Steve and I are praying earnestly, seeking counsel and trying to get as much information about this route and other possible ones before we make a final decision (i.e. sign a lease and start paying tuition!) As of now, our only financial commitment has been the plane tickets.

We still do not have final approval for a loan, therefore we do not have an unconditional final offer from Pembroke College. Therefore we can not get our visas and also feel it would be foolish to sign a lease. Our friend has not seen the house yet, but even when he does (if he does), we'll have to ask for more time to make a decision.

If everyone would join us in prayer for wisdom and guidance, we would so appreciate it! We leave Virginia tomorrow for our road trip regardless. But we still have until our flight on October 5 to change our minds about Oxford.

Housing Hopes

We think we may have found a place to live. It took hours of searching online and calling Oxford realtors. We did not originally realize that landlords would be so picky about allowing children in their properties! As we were told "no" by realtor after realtor, we decided we probably needed to just take the first one that said "yes."

Our friend is viewing it for us tomorrow, and unless something is hugely wrong, we'll put a deposit down right away. It's a 3-bedroom (no one allowed us to rent a 2-bedroom) furnished place, in walking distance of Steve's school and the church we plan to attend (Magdalen Road Church). We really really hope it all goes through okay, as it will be a load off our minds to know we have a new home (though it won't actually be available until 10 days after we arrive!)

Naomi received her new glasses today. They are pink and stylish -- much cuter than my first ones! She looks very grown up with them on.

Why We're Going to Oxford

We have only 9 days left in Lexington, Virginia, and 26 left in America. Time is flying by. God has answered many prayers: we have Ethan's passport, we've been given patience and peace, and we've been blessed with many friends who are serving us meals or watching our children. We still need housing and funding -- keep praying!

The reason we're moving to Oxford is for Steve to continue his schooling in Islamic studies. He hopes to eventually teach about Islam at a Christian college/seminary, enabling Christians to interact in a more effective way with Muslims whether here or abroad. He does already have a Master's in this area, but will begin a second Master's program that now focuses on learning Arabic and classical Islam. This will be critical for future studies, and extra-helpful if we stay on at Oxford for a PhD.

Many American friends assume this is paid for, as it is not unusual to have one's graduate studies in the U.S. paid for or greatly subsidized by the school, particularly when one teaches while studying. This is not an option in England, however. Not only are we not being helped in any way, but we have to pay much higher fees because of being foreign students. This first year is completely self-funded, as subsequent years will be unless we receive help. We have applications out for scholarships and are hoping for contacts with private donors.

Nonetheless, we feel strongly that this direction is where God has gifted Steve and where he is leading both of us. We feel good about stepping out in faith, and acknowledge that we will succeed only by God's grace and provision.

Some have asked about me and the kids. I very much hope to continue homeschooling even in England, but am open to other options. In just one more day, I am being interviewed by phone for a half-time job with Viva Network, an organization that connects and educates world-wide ministries to children-at-risk. If I get the job, it would be a huge help toward our living expenses, but Steve and I would need to share the kids, and they might even go to "big school." We will see...

Please keep praying!

We're moving --- again!!

We're moving to England!

I feel like God has breathed fresh air into us, finally ending a long waiting time and letting us move forward. We have been praying for so long (and despairing at times) for guidance as to our next steps. Steve has been unhappy and frustrated doing work that doesn't suit him, and has longed to get the training he needs in order to fulfill his passion of reaching Muslims for Christ.

Now Steve has been accepted by Oxford University to study for his master's first and hopefully his PhD afterwards, over a period of 5 years. He will be studying Arabic and Islamic history, and with his degrees, wants to teach the history of Muslim-Christian interaction in a Christian college or overseas seminary. We will fund this first year ourselves with savings and loans, and then pray that scholarships and grants come through for the following years.

School starts on October 13, so this means that we're leaving the U.S. in just 7 weeks. Our heads are spinning. But at the same time, we're so excited. I'm grateful to have lived in Scotland already so that I have a better idea of what I should take with me (there were many things I wished I'd brought when we arrived in Scotland). The kids like the idea of riding bikes and buses instead of driving a car. I'm hoping to get in better shape by walking a lot. I'm also hoping the kids remember these coming British years better than they remember our one year in Edinburgh (which is fuzzy for them to say the least). We're looking forward to attending our Oxford church, Magdalen Road Evangelical Free, and renewing friendships we made there 10 years ago. We'll also be a lot closer to our dear London and Edinburgh friends.

Our concerns are:
*finding housing
*getting financial help
*receiving Ethan's passport in time
*figuring out how to pack our lives into a few boxes!

And it will be hard to leave our dear family here, as well as new friends we're just starting to make at our current church. I've grown accustomed to the ease of American life and I've enjoyed occassionally having access to my favorite foods and restaurants. I know I will be frustrated by not having a car. But at the same time, our 2 years in Lexington have prepared me for this transition. I have not always had my own car here, and we have not been in an urban area with our favorite stores and restaurants.

So here's to fish and chips, tea and biscuits, and the locale of our engagement! Oxford, England, here we come!

Crazy Busy

I can't believe it's been this long since I've blogged. Life has gotten much crazier in the past month. Steve's job with a local law firm ended, and the same week that I had signed on as a book salesperson, my tutoring also hugely increased. Steve has been great about taking care of the house more and staying with the kids, even homeschooling them a bit. But he'd rather have a job and is getting depressed about his lack of work.

I'm enjoying my math tutoring (for the most part) and love selling Usborne books (for the most part), but am tired and missing my kids and don't like the crazy busyness of it all. I'm trying to find a balance.

We also move out of our apartment in 7 weeks, and will move in to Gertzes' basement. Maybe we should add something else in there to make life even crazier... like getting pregnant? April fools =)

Gertzes Move

My in-laws, “Mom and Dad” Gertz, have now moved out of their apartment. Yesterday was the last day of their lease and they spent it cleaning. They’ve been moving for over a week, taking loads back and forth in their huge van, between their apartment and a storage room in their house that’s under construction still. They’ll be temporarily living with Steve’s sister and her son while they get their new house closer to completion.

We helped them get started with their packing last weekend, and Steve’s helped them more in the past few days. I’ve had them over for three dinners and delivered a fourth to them, including last night and the night before.

It’s going to be really strange not having them down the road anymore. I thought we’d spend more time with them than we did. Nonetheless, I was always glad they were so close by. Sometimes the kids and I would stop by to say hi to Mom on our way home from town. Or if we were all out walking after dinner, we’d go to their place to give them wildflowers and the kids would tell them the latest about their day.

One night there was a lunar eclipse and we couldn’t see it from our house because we’re next to woods. So we hopped in our car, drove for one minute to their place and watched the eclipse together while enjoying root beer floats (they always manage to have ice-cream at their house!)

If we had fix-it problems, Dad often came over immediately to help out. Steve carpooled every morning with Dad, driving together to the construction site. And it was just plain convenient for times we needed babysitters or just wanted to get together. It was nice having somewhere we could walk to! (Being on a farm, we drive to just about everywhere else.)

Now we’ll have the benefit of seeing them when we’re in town. On library days, I’ll have a place to let Ethan nap, in between my various errands. And hopefully we’ll have some lunches together when we’re in town for other reasons.

But I’ll miss having them as neighbors, that’s for sure. Thanks, Mom and Dad Gertz, for everything!

After Twenty Years

Have you ever called someone up after not having spoken with them in 20 years? I did that very thing, crazy though it seemed, just the other day. I'd been thinking of my elementary years and how much I'd moved around. I decided to go online and see if I couldn't find some old friends of mine. I used Google, and looked up various close school friends who I'd completely lost touch with. One friend actually had a current photo and phone number on a medical lab website. So I called him...

David Scoville lived in the building next to mine when we were in fifth grade. Our dads were both at UCLA and we were living in family student housing. We went to Clover Elementary School and had Mrs. Shapiro as our teacher. Both of us were pretty good at math and Mrs. Shapiro didn't quite know what to do with us. So David and I would sit in the back corner of the classroom everyday during math time and work through the book together at our own pace. We also occasionally walked to school together, and were both in the GATE program.

He moved away after that year and I hadn't seen or talked to him since. After twenty years, I found him online and called him.

He's currently in an MD/PhD program in Kansas, researching adult stem cells, specifically in the intestine. He's married and has two little boys, aged 3 1/2 and 2 1/2. We've had quite different paths: he went to junior high and high school in Idaho, while I was in L.A. and Africa; he went to college in Utah and studied microbiology while I went to college in Illinois and studied education. He's committed to many years of higher education while I'm home with kids full-time. But it was fun to talk about memories of California and fifth grade, and to catch up on what we've both done since then.

Last summer I read a book called "Third Culture Kids" and thought about the benefits and losses of being a missionary kid. The authors wrote about the instability a missionary kid feels, as he lives in one culture and has furloughs in another culture, as his friends come and go at different times, and as he never feels quite like he belongs. I thought of my childhood, moving from one university to another as my dad did various degrees, and realized that being a student's kid is similar to being a missionary kid.

By the time I was in eighth grade, I had lived in 8 different apartments and gone to five schools. I'd make a good friend in each class and then have to say goodbye. The most stable things in my life were my grandpa's house in San Diego, and my church in Los Angeles where we were involved for six years in a row. I talked with David about this. As he pointed out, there are so many benefits to that kind of life. We can move pretty easily. We make friends fairly quickly. And we have friends scattered across the country (or world).

But I heard some people here in Lexington talking about their kids growing up their entire lives with a best friend and it made me sad. It made me wonder: what has happened to my friends? I can't go back to one hometown and see old schoolmates. They were student's kids, too, and they could be anywhere in the world now. But I do have a history. I did have friends who knew me at various times.

That is why it was so neat to find David Scoville and chat for a while on the phone. He's part of my history, even if a brief part. Talking to him reminded me of my past and helped me feel like I'm not a completely root-less person. Now I just need to get a hold of a few more of those good friends from twenty years ago...