Free (or Almost Free) Fun in Washington, D.C.: Ice-Skating!

Every Tuesday, from 2:20-3:20, ice-skating costs only $1 at the Kettler Capitals Iceplex in Ballston Common Mall. Since parking in the garage also only costs $1, we pay exactly $5 for the four of us to go skating once a week! This opportunity to skate regularly has been really beneficial for the children. Before January, they had skated only once before, and that had been over three years ago!

Josiah seemed to have a natural sense of balance. Even on his first day of skating, he let go of the side wall, and has steadily gained confidence ever since. The other two kids have had more difficulty, and at times I've even wondered if I should stop taking them. There have been tears shed and frustrated words flung. "I don't WANT to go ice-skating!" has been heard more than once.

When it comes to a new Tuesday, though, the consensus is always that we should try again. And it's paying off. After going 4 or 5 times, Naomi and Ethan were finally able to leave the wall, and now are trying to improve technique. It's still a big effort (not quite *fun* yet) but I'm so proud of their perseverance and determination. My hope is that one of these days, we'll all be going at a decent speed, with smiles on our faces, and no spills!

30 Days of Thanksgiving -- all in one go!

Some people are skeptical of being thankful just in November, but I think it's helpful and valuable to write down even 30 blessings as a prayer of thankfulness to God and a reminder to myself of his gracious gifts. May my heart be encouraged by these blessings everyday...

1- a God who is bigger and more loving than I can ever imagine
2- a family who loves me, extended and immediate
3- good health that I've enjoyed for a lifetime -- I do not take it for granted!
4- my 5 senses, with which I greatly enjoy the world and people around me
5- music "God gave us music, that we might pray without words"
6- color -- the world is so vibrant!
7- diversity -- so thankful the world is not all the same!
8- ethnic food (related to #7) My tongue delights in Ethiopian, Chinese, Italian, Nigerian, Peruvian, etc.
9- laughter
10- my heritage, both good and bad, that impacts who I am
11- that I'm not bound to my heritage, but have a new future lying before me
12- old friends who have stuck by me for years on end
13- new friends who have been willing to get to know me quickly, for whatever short time they have with me
14- books: fiction and non-fiction, children's and adult, beautifully illustrated and interestingly worded
15- movement -- frisbee and long walks, wave-jumping and dancing -- thankful that my body works
16- forgiveness
17- my childhood home of California, its beauty and people and all the memories it holds
18- the years I've had to live in so many diverse homes: Nigeria, Scotland, Illinois, England, Virginia, Jordan, D.C.
19- games, especially fast ones, rowdy ones or get-to-know-each-other ones
20- nature, and all its incredible splendor and minute intricacies
21- animals -- learning about them will never cease to amaze me
22- fast travel - when family's as spread out as it is, fast highways and airplanes become so valuable!
23- communication gizmos, that allow me to keep up with family & friends in far-flung countries and states
24- quiet
25- sleep, though I don't get enough of it. At least when I do sleep, it's restful and rejuvenating
25- provision -- through many ups and downs, we've never been on the street or in serious debt
26- my husband, who has not given up on me even though if I were he, *I* would have given up on me!!
27- my children, who daily forgive, love, annoy and delight me, unspeakable treasures I have on loan!
28- memories
29- my brain - this sounds funny, but I'm so thankful I can think and process and learn.
30- Jesus, who died for me & conquered death, who loves the 'least of these' & whose Spirit never leaves me

Just Keep Breathing

"How many times have you heard me cry out, 'God, please take this'?
How many times have you given me strength to just keep breathing?
Oh I need you.
God I need you now." (Plumb)

The past 7 years have been the loneliest of my life (except for a brief respite in 2009-10), and there have been many moments when I felt like all I could do was cry out to God and hope to "just keep breathing." How many years can one sustain such a basic hope, though? "Just breathing" is not how life is meant to be lived. I feel like I've reached the end of what I can handle.

I'm not intentionally isolating myself or my family, though home-schooling naturally keeps us more insulated than most. I'm part of an informal 'support group' and a more formal 'co-op,' but no relationships have developed from either of those. I'd hoped that neighbors would be a natural source of friendship, but even 5 months after living in our new home, I hardly know any names. And the worst thing is that we are back to having no church home.

We lived our first 8 months in Washington, D.C. with no church and that was truly the loneliest I've been in 7 years. To be brand new in a huge place and have no neighbor friends and no church friends is almost unbearable. We finally did settle on a church and attended it for 12 months, but as of July 1, we've been looking for a new church.

Most of the time, this loneliness has settled in the pit of my stomach, in the depth of my brain, crouching like a hidden dragon. I've ignored it, on the surface pretending that I'm hardy, that I don't need close friends. My husband has tried to encourage me, reminding me of all the good friends I "still have" from my past. These are friends who were close at one time, but they don't call or visit or write. I don't know how that's supposed to encourage me: absent friends aren't the friends I need right now.

The other day, though, I received a phone call from someone I'd known at Wheaton College, been in touch with over the years, and had re-connected with since moving to D.C. This person needed to talk about a heart-breaking situation they're in the middle of, and I listened and chatted for over 2 hours. It happened on a day when I was hard-hit with a bad cold and was desperate for a nap, and my husband later asked, "Why on earth did you talk so long instead of just saying you needed to sleep?"

It hit me hard: I could count on one hand the number of talks I've had with friends in the past couple months, and my heart *needed* that conversation. Even though I was mostly listening (and I still have a heart full of burdens I'd love to share with someone else who can listen to me), I was still interacting with another adult who was actually appreciative of my presence. Such a rare occurrence these days...

I don't know how much longer I can 'just keep breathing.' I know I have my kids who depend on me right now. But I also need to be a friend. I need to talk to friends. And my kids need the same. They are almost as lonely as I am. Without friends, this life seems so purposeless and I don't know how to keep going...

Depression and Home-schooling

I've been thinking a lot about home-schooling lately ... about why I've chosen it for our family, about why I'd consider stopping, about what I like and what I don't like. I've also been reading some wonderful homeschooling blogs like Small World and Simple Homeschool, which have encouraged me and helped me want to continue on this journey.

I've come to a recent epiphany, though. As I've read about the need to prepare our children for 'real life' and the ways in which home-schooling can do such a better job with that than regular schooling, it's occurred to me that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm letting my children down by home-schooling them because I feel like I don't know 'how to do real life.' I fail miserably at keeping a tidy and peaceful house. I fail moderately at cooking healthy, delicious meals. I don't have great ambitions or career goals. I struggle with depression and motivation and relationships. So if I'm supposed to be preparing these children of mine for a fulfilled life ahead, I'm not sure how on earth I'll accomplish that. 

If I can surrender myself fully to God's love (as I hope to) and see transformation take place in my spirit and life (as I pray to), then perhaps I'll have something worth teaching my children. They can look back with me on these dark days where everything seems murky and meaningless, and know that it's possible to come out on the other side. They can hopefully learn that true 'success' is only by God's grace and strength. But that's a lot of 'ifs' and in the mean time, we're slogging away with math and history in the midst of untidy chaos, less-than-stellar meals, and up-and-down mood swings.

I hope I'm not doing more harm than good. And I pray that God redeems this confusion and depression, enabling the kids and me to grow in love and peace.

Recent Prayers

Recently, I've been thanking God...

• for my new niece Alethea
• for my parents' adoption of Luke, after many years of trying!
• for all I'm learning by home-schooling my children
• for 13 years of marriage
• for friends and family I got to see in California, Illinois, Michigan and Wisconsin in November and December
• for a new mini-van, which feels so luxurious, but will hopefully last quite a while and be big enough to fit all the kids even as they become teens

I've also been praying...

• for the Syrian refugees, living in tents through one of the coldest and wettest winters in the Middle East in 20+ years
• for my parents' next step, as they prepare to leave SIM and Nigeria, and look for work in the U.S.
• for friends and family who are struggling with illness and death
• for the patience and diligence to develop new friendships
• for wisdom in knowing what God really wants of me right now
• for the provision of a new home, at just the right time, so that Ethan can get the speech therapy he needs through a different school district

Up in the Air

I keep thinking how nice it would be to have a steady reality for at least a few years in a row, but that doesn't seem to be happening any time soon. We thought that by Steve getting his job at Georgetown University and with our move to the D.C. area, we'd gain a good chunk of steady years ahead. But now it seems that everything is "up in the air" once more.

One change -- the most minor of all -- is that our station wagon 'gave up' (as Nigerians might say) almost 2 weeks ago. We were on our way to church when the accelerator just stopped working, and after having it towed to two different mechanics to get the diagnosis, we were told we needed a new transmission. We've been thinking, praying, and discussing ever since then, knowing that it was an older car, with lots of miles on it. We'd already spent a lot on repairs over the last 14 months, so made the difficult decision to let the car go ('give it up') and try to find an affordable replacement with fewer miles.

In the meantime, Steve's parents have been incredibly generous and gracious by giving us one of their cars. So at least we have wheels while we look for a long-term family car. Still, it's been stressful to say the least, and one of those testing times to see how 2 people can come to a decision together when they don't agree.

A bigger change that is possibly coming up, is a change of housing. We have recently discovered that the state of Maryland does not require its public schools to give special education help to homeschooled students with IEPs (individual education programs -- paperwork for kids with special learning needs). A year ago, we went through a long process in Virginia, getting Ethan evaluated to see if he qualified for an IEP to get speech therapy. He did indeed qualify and the school administrator told us that no matter where we moved, Ethan would get help from any local school with his IEP in hand.

Sadly, this was misinformation. Ethan has now gone for a full year without any formal speech therapy (though he's grown by leaps and bounds, and talks a hind leg off a horse!), and we are trying to figure out how to get him the help he needs. Since the local Maryland schools won't help, but Virginia schools *would*, we've told our landlord that we'd like to move as soon as they can get other renters to take our place. This was a difficult conversation to have with him and his wife.

We have no idea how quickly they could find someone else to rent the home. Our own lease doesn't end until May, so it's possible we'll be here until then. But our prayer is that we could move sooner, to get Ethan help sooner, and to be closer to Steve's work and our new church, and in an ethnically diverse neighborhood. (We're currently in a very homogenous area -- my guess would be 90% black, 7% African, 2.5% Hispanic and 0.5% white.)

The stressful part (for me, the incurable Messie) will be tidying up our house every time someone wants to come view it. Looking for our own new rental home in Virginia, when the time comes, will also be quite a task, as prices there are even higher than the inflated ones here.

(There's another possible change in the air as well, but more on that later, if it becomes more tenable.)

So maybe one day I'll have a home that's "mine" for more than 12-18 months, a neighborhood to grow roots in, and a car that's reliable and long-lasting. But it's not now. Here's hoping it's soon...

TCKs and the Olympics

If you've never heard of "TCK" before, you're not alone. Most people haven't! It stands for "Third Culture Kid" and refers to children who spend significant growing-up years in a country other than their parents' passport country. My own children are different from many TCKs, as we were never in a single foreign country for more than 2 years, and we didn't go in the normal capacity of military, NGO work, or missions. But I'd still consider them 'third culture kids' because they've spent 40-60% of their lives overseas.

Enough of definitions.

The Olympics began a full week ago, but my kids and I only got to see our first footage of it a few days ago. We don't get TV at home, but discovered that one of our nearby libraries had a TV turned on with NBC showing Olympic competitions. The first game we saw was women's water polo, USA vs. Spain. The kids caught my enthusiasm: as I cheered for our team's goals and defenses, they started cheering too.

And then Naomi said something that startled me. "People in Spain are watching this game, too, aren't they Mom?" It wasn't an earth-shattering observation, but nonetheless it reminded me that Naomi's world has been expanded. She can cheer for the USA, while still understanding that we're not the center of the universe. She knows there are people in other countries, rooting for their own Olympic teams.

We enjoyed part of a women's volleyball game next, USA vs. China. I don't know much about volleyball, but I tried to teach the kids something, and once again, we were all cheering every time the US got a point. There was a time when the US had pulled a number of points ahead of China, and Josiah said (with sympathy, not gloating), "I bet the people in China are feeling kind of sad now." Another reminder of the value that comes from dwelling among another people. I almost teared up to think that Josiah would care what another nationality was feeling.

And finally, as we watched a women's 8 rowing race yesterday, featuring many close-ups of the USA crew, Naomi said in frustration, "Why are they only showing the American team? I want to see the other teams too!"

We are Americans, proud of our country and teams. But we're citizens of the world, and we cheer for Great Britain, Jordan and Nigeria too. We love to see excellence in others and we strive to feel their pain when they suffer. Thank you, children, for being TCKs and for having hearts that beat for the rest of the world...