I was looking at Selah's cute feet today and marveling at how much I love her. I said aloud, "I love being a mom."
Miriam heard me and commented, "I thought you hated being a mom." It just about broke my heart.
But here's the thing: two months ago, I was saying things (sadly aloud) like "I hate being a mom." I was overwhelmed and sad. I was tired all the time. I was frequently angry and didn't do a very good job about hiding that from the kids.
Then I got help.
In the past few days, I've thought a lot about how drastically I've changed since seeing a doctor and being prescribed a new-to-me antidepressant and large doses of iron. I truly feel like a different person.
For one thing, I have much more energy than before. For another, I don't feel sad and angry everyday. I had heard many people recommend antidepressants for years, and in fact, I had tried one type multiple times before. But I had never noticed a change. And I was so steeped in my depression that when family advised me again just a few months ago to give meds another try, I honestly couldn't even picture how life could be better. I couldn't imagine reaching a happy place. Now I understand. The things that used to drive me crazy, don't anymore. And when I'm irritated, I am much more likely to react with a calm response instead of shouting or crying.
Additionally, it's very clear to me that my feeling better is having a positive effect on the girls as well. There are likely multiple factors at play (the girls' inevitable maturing being an important one) but even during my despair, I had noted that I was in a "downward spiral" with them. They would misbehave. I would get upset and likely "lose it;" they would get more upset. I would not want to be around them at bedtime because I was so tired of the struggle and fighting, and I felt like a horrible parent. So they would start their next day already feeling bad because they'd missed me the night before. Often I didn't want to be with them in the morning either. On and on.
Now it's the reverse. I stay calm when they act up, and even have hugs and encouragement to offer. They behave better. They give ME hugs and encouragement. That feeds the whole cycle, making me even more likely to be cuddly when I've received love myself. I spend time with them at night and in the morning without feeling like I'm going to lose my mind because now I have more energy and I haven't heard as much fighting during the day. So they feel cared for. On and on. It's truly remarkable.
I know I'm not getting everything right. I still have issues, still have some anger and anxiety. But to look back and remember how low I had gotten, makes this turn-around all the more precious. Grateful for medicine, grateful for family who doesn't give up, grateful for brighter days.
