Depression and Home-schooling

I've been thinking a lot about home-schooling lately ... about why I've chosen it for our family, about why I'd consider stopping, about what I like and what I don't like. I've also been reading some wonderful homeschooling blogs like Small World and Simple Homeschool, which have encouraged me and helped me want to continue on this journey.

I've come to a recent epiphany, though. As I've read about the need to prepare our children for 'real life' and the ways in which home-schooling can do such a better job with that than regular schooling, it's occurred to me that I'm afraid. I'm afraid that I'm letting my children down by home-schooling them because I feel like I don't know 'how to do real life.' I fail miserably at keeping a tidy and peaceful house. I fail moderately at cooking healthy, delicious meals. I don't have great ambitions or career goals. I struggle with depression and motivation and relationships. So if I'm supposed to be preparing these children of mine for a fulfilled life ahead, I'm not sure how on earth I'll accomplish that. 

If I can surrender myself fully to God's love (as I hope to) and see transformation take place in my spirit and life (as I pray to), then perhaps I'll have something worth teaching my children. They can look back with me on these dark days where everything seems murky and meaningless, and know that it's possible to come out on the other side. They can hopefully learn that true 'success' is only by God's grace and strength. But that's a lot of 'ifs' and in the mean time, we're slogging away with math and history in the midst of untidy chaos, less-than-stellar meals, and up-and-down mood swings.

I hope I'm not doing more harm than good. And I pray that God redeems this confusion and depression, enabling the kids and me to grow in love and peace.

Just an Average Day

Today we got off to a pretty good start. I'm still trying to figure out what the best routine is for our family. It's sometimes hard to know how to balance teaching both Naomi and Josiah, with keeping Ethan occupied, happy, and learning himself.

In contrast to last week, when I taught N & J together for hours each day, today I tried teaching N & J together just for a little over an hour, and then split them up, giving each of them time with Ethan while I taught the other. I did Bible, spelling, history and science with both of them. Then Josiah and Ethan played together, jumping onto sofa cushions and laughing hard, while I did reading, language, math and handwriting with Naomi. Later we switched and I did the same with Josiah.

While it felt a little less efficient (in my head), it's fair to say that things worked out more smoothly this way. I also could focus more on each child. I'll keep trying it this week and see how things go.

A nice surprise was my neighbor Sarah knocking on my door mid-morning, asking if we wanted to join her and her girls at the new playground nearby. This didn't fit in with my "schedule," but I'm still glad we did it!

Sarah's 2 1/2 year old Amy and my 2 1/2 year old Ethan get along famously. It's so fun to watch them play together! And Sarah is my closest friend here, so I always enjoy chances to talk with her. Josiah and Naomi particularly like the pond area that is part of the new park. We all had a good time. It was great to get out in fresh air, brisk though it was. Autumn is on its way!

Following a crackers-and-cheese lunch back at home, I walked with the kids to "The Cowley." Cowley Road is a major thoroughfare in Oxford, beginning close to City Centre (at a roundabout called "The Plains") and extending through East Oxford and Cowley, as far as the ring road. Nicknamed "The Cowley," it has a high number of shops and restaurants in the part closest to town.

Since East Oxford is quite an ethnically diverse area and home to the only mosque in town, many of the shops feel like they belong in a different country. I've been able to find all kinds of African foods, Pakistani, Indian, Chinese, etc. It's amazing! There are also many charity shops (thrift stores), bicycle shops, discount shops, and my favorite, Tesco Metro (small grocery store, huge grocery chain).

When Steve is at home, I often try to do my shopping sans children. But seeing as he's gone for a whole month, I bit the bullet today and took 3 kids with me for my errands. First we did a little bit of grocery shopping at Tesco. Then we bought bubbles at a stationer's (for a home-education event tomorrow involving bubble-blowing). We went to a cycle shop to buy a bike tire pump. I visited Boots Pharmacy for a medical item.

I also discovered a new (to me) charity shop and had to pop in. Josiah found a huge plastic T-Rex he loved, Naomi found a tiny plastic pony, and I found 3 fun kid videos (Tom & Jerry being the highlight). Since the dinosaur cost 2 pounds, Josiah's not playing with it yet, but looking forward to buying it from me in 6 weeks. Naomi's pony is also in storage, but she'll get hers in just one week!

[I began giving the kids "pocket money" (allowance) some months ago in order to help them begin to understand money better. I don't give them very much, so they have seen what it means to save for something special. Because they're usually interested in buying something from a charity shop, and we're never sure when we'll next return and if their coveted item will still be there, I've occassionally bought the said item and kept it in storage (at home) until the full price has accumulated in the child's savings. I find this works really well. ]

We also popped in to another charity shop and found a pair of sneakers for Ethan. Both boys really need something warm for their feet now that summer is ending. I was tickled to find shoes that seem to fit Ethan (and that light up -- what a bonus!) for only 1 pound. Another 2 videos and a Hello Kitty hand-held fan for Naomi, and we were homeward bound.

On our way to the Cowley, Ethan had been riding his scooter (2 wheels at age 2 -- can you believe it??) and was always way ahead of us. But on the way home, he was smitten with his new shoes and walked slowly behind us. It was so cute to see how proud he was.

Back at home, my kids played for a while with the neighbor kids, particularly Anna. Most kids on our street attend the (very) local primary school called St. Michael's. But Anna goes to a Catholic school and so has bonded with Naomi, who also does not attend St. Michael's. Really all 4 of the kids that age, in our row of houses, get along great together. But it *is* nice to not be the only one who is different.

We splurged and ate our "tea" (supper) while watching Tom & Jerry. It was so fun to laugh with my kids. Even Ethan was hysterical at times! Bubble bath, reading books about vehicles, Squanto and Columbus, then songs and bed. I've spent my entire evening catching up on e-mails, facebook, and blogs. I'm so grateful for the internet!

So that's a day in the life of the Gertzes. Just in case you were wondering ;-)

I know I’m a mom when…

I find stones (and feathers and seed puffs) in my pockets

I stop in the middle of the sidewalk to watch a construction site

I find toys hidden in my shoes

I take super-quick showers

I put all scissors and permanent markers up as high as I can reach

I have “Wheels on the Bus” running through my head

I have a picture book (currently Hairy Maclary) memorized

I’m nonplussed by wiping snotty noses

I notice various animals and vehicles even when not with my children and feel like shouting out, “Hey, there’s a …..!”

I can serve myself and three kids at a potluck, carrying 3 plates on one arm

I don’t go anywhere without a spare diaper and wipes

I wake up at a moment’s notice, any time of the night

I can tell something’s up just by the silence

I’ve breast-fed and changed nappies for what seems like 6 ½ years straight!!

I'm drawn as a stick figure with curly hair and labeled "MOMO" (based on the rule that "o" says "ah" in beginning phonetics)

I somehow explain intercourse, racism, mastectomies, and countless other topics on a regular basis in language that my kids mostly understand!

I comfort my sobbing daughter who’s traumatized by seeing a whale calf separated from its mother, attacked and killed by orcas in a nature video

My kids cuddle against me as I read book after book to them

My art ideas are copied by the cutest little amateur artists

I’m forgiven and loved even after messing up so much

Parenting Cry for Help!

It has been a while since I’ve written about parenting struggles, but here I am again. I feel like every day is a war, filled with small skirmishes over anything and everything. Not every single request is met with “No!” but a significant portion are. I don’t know if it’s because the kids have been so long without routine and chores, or what. I’ve bought a book called “Parenting with Love and Logic” which I hope will help me understand how to improve, but I haven’t had time to read it yet!

People in my Oxford church who hear that I’m homeschooling look at me like I’m crazy, and they say that they’d never be able to get their kids to do anything they said. I’m no different from them. Unfortunately I often resort to threats. But I don’t think that the answer is to send my kids to school and avoid the root issues. I’ve seen families function with peace, respect, obedience, and helpfulness. I’ve seen it with my own eyes! So I know my family can be different from the way we currently are.

And then during the good times, it’s so sweet and wonderful that I want to treasure the moments forever. I truly do love my kids and love being home with them. I just need the proportion to increase more in favor of good times!

Eating Struggles

I had always sworn that I would not raise picky eaters. I grew up eating a large variety of food, I still enjoy diverse tastes, and find whiny eaters incredibly frustrating. I thought that I could determine this characteristic in my children by making both usual and unusual foods, and not giving in to their limited whims. Ha. Goes to show what you think you know ahead of time about parenting!

Naomi started out a great eater. When she was one, she ate anything put in front of her.

Not so anymore. Now it seems we battle over at least half of our meals. Do you know how tiring that is? Today she decided to just hide during our dinner so that we wouldn’t make her eat. I actually enjoyed the first few quiet minutes of our meal, minus her whining and arguing. Unfortunately, I concluded that I really should make her take a few bites before rejecting the entire meal, and thus ensued yet another noisy struggle.

It would even be preferable if she would just say “no” and then sit there refusing to eat. But instead she goes on and on, either asking us questions (Does this fish have blood in it? Does it have its eyeballs in it? What’s that black thing?) or giving us reasons why she can’t eat something. Today her brother jokingly said there were bugs in her oatmeal, and wouldn’t you know it, she refused to eat the rest of her bowl. Unbelievable.

Five years into parenting, I’m becoming a little more relaxed about my responsibility for my kids’ eating habits, but also a bit more determined to not give up yet! I allow that people will have all kinds of preferences and dislikes for various tastes, but I insist that dishes be tried before opinions are formed. It sure would be easier to not care and just give her chicken nuggets for every meal.

To my kids...

If I were to die tonight, I would hope that you would…

Remember my laughter

Forgive me for my angry outbursts

Remember cuddling together as we read books

Fall in love with Jesus and commit your life to him

Know that I loved my family so much it aches

Forgive me for my depression

Remember my hugs and kisses

Respect Daddy better than I have done

Be silly and enjoy making others smile

Remember cooking together (bread, cinnamon rolls, playdough, oatmeal, etc.)

Know that you are such a precious gift from God

Treasure your heritage and tell stories about our family

Love each other – siblings are lifelong friends

Remember singing – loudly, softly, in worship, in laughter

Know that I love hearing your own singing and story-telling

Remember that every night I make up songs for you about your bedtime story, Bible story, or what happened today

Remember that we spent great times together as a family

Forgive me for not modeling prayer and Bible-reading for you

Know that I hated spanking you

Remember smoothies!!

Remember sleeping in a tent together and watching meteors

Two Seems So Easy!

After my horrendous Sunday, I told Naomi that she would forfeit her weekly overnight stay with Steve's parents. Instead, Josiah went by himself and I was left with Naomi and Ethan. We had a marvelous time! I couldn't believe what a difference it made to just have one preschooler gone. Naomi didn't have anyone to fight with or raise her voice over. She happily entertained Ethan for me. We had time to scrapbook together -- Naomi's just starting her very own. And dinner was actually pleasant!

She kept noticing the 'peace' in the house and said that it was Josiah's fault that there isn't usually peace in the house. I tried to help her realize that it's not the fault of any one person in our family, but the dynamics when we all get together and start fighting!

I'm going to try to do this more often. The only problem will be that if I send Naomi away and keep the boys, I won't have anyone keeping track of how aggressive Josiah is with Ethan. I'll have to watch him carefully. But it is good to know that my kids aren't necessarily 'terror children' in all circumstances! I thank Mom and Dad Gertz for the respite they give me!

HELP!!!

I can not believe how difficult it is to parent. I feel like I must be the worst in the world, for Naomi just keeps getting more and more defiant, and Josiah is increasingly disobedient. I try everything I can think of, but Naomi's attitude is unbelievable. She says things now like, "I don't have to obey you. I can do what I want" and "You're so bad, Mommy." She's also treating Josiah more meanly everyday, and saying harsh things to him.

I don't know what to do. All my life, I've been pretty good at following instructions, reading and learning, but there's no instruction manual for this job! There are no extra study sessions, and my results are not just a grade on a test but the atmosphere in my entire family and home. I'm tired of battling and punishing. I'm tired of hearing complaining and disrespectful words.

I guess I haven't been surrendering my life very well to Christ, and maybe this is evidenced by my kids. I haven't been praying for them, and it's pretty clear that they're not going to change without Jesus as their Lord. I need prayer for my own commitment, to fall in love with Jesus again and let his Word pour into me. And I need prayer for my sanity as I struggle to not go bonkers.

On the positive side, Ethan is finally sleeping well. He used to only take 10-20 minute naps, and only if he was being held. Now he will nap for at least an hour at a time, and we're putting him in his own bed (which he doesn't appreciate yet, but he's getting there...) He's happy now to be in a johnny-jumper or an exer-saucer, and he loves chewing on teething toys, stuffed animals or rattles. It's much easier for me to get stuff done when he can entertain himself a little and sleep for an hour in a bed!

By the way, I probably won't benefit from any 'parenting advice' you think you can give me. I've pretty much heard it all. I think I just need a heart-change in my kids. Please, God, help us...

Clotheslines and Children

One of the joys of my new home is that I have a clothesline in my yard. In Scotland, I had no clothesline and no dryer. I dried our clothes on a rack that hung close to my kitchen ceiling. I would lower it with a pulley system, hang our clothes up, and then pull it back up to the ceiling. The problem was (besides crowding my tiny kitchen when I had to wash sheets), it would often take 24 hours to dry clothes this way, at least during winter and spring.

Thankfully during the summer months in Scotland, I was living in friends' houses, and they had clotheslines. I remember the joy of hanging up my clothes outside in their gardens (yards), and being amazed at how quickly the clothes dried. My friend Kate's garden was particularly pleasant and beautiful, edged with flowering bushes and trees, hanging plants and potted flowers. I loved the moments I spent watering her flowers, playing with the kids, eating lunch or hanging my clothes up to dry there.

My yard now is nothing like Kate's. I'm on a farm, not in a posh Edinburgh home. But hanging my clothes to dry still brings me such peace and joy. I hear cows mooing, bees buzzing, and the creek gurgling. I look up and watch the clouds in a bright blue sky, or notice birds circling above the grassy hills. I feel the comfort of a tall tree's shade and listen to birdsong.

This afternoon Naomi and Josiah helped me hang up the clothes. They handed me clothes-pins and wet articles of clothing, one by one. After I hung up the sheets, though, all help ended. There was a strong wind and the sheets blew like large flags. Naomi and Josiah thought this was hilarious and terrific fun. They laughed and laughed, running back and forth under the blowing sheets. They compared them to tents. They discovered that they could put their stuffed animals in the corners of the fitted sheet and watch them swing in the wind.

Meanwhile I was still enjoying my work, and marveling at the delights of childhood. How much longer will my children find happiness in such small things? For now, I'm grateful for their childhood because in many ways, it makes me more like a child myself. Like when I make wet footprints on our front porch with them, or find myself picking wildflowers (weeds) to give Naomi, or exclaiming with excitement over the recent growth of our avocado seedling.

There are many, many times when I feel I can't handle this parenting business anymore. When Naomi is increasingly disrespectful. When Josiah is rough with Ethan for the millionth time, despite our modeling gentle behavior. When Naomi cuts her own hair, or Josiah draws on the walls and furniture after just being spanked for that a few days earlier. When "yuck" is the only reaction I get to my homemade dinners. When I lose my temper again and again, and treat my kids in ungodly ways.

But I thank the Lord for joys like playing in the sheets outside, so that I don't give up entirely. They refresh me momentarily and remind me that parenting does have its blessings, despite the struggles. Thank you, God, for clotheslines and children...